Some recent headlines sound so crazy, they could've been dreamed up by the cinematic brain trust behind SyFy channel flicks like Sharknado, Sharktopus, and the unmitigated genius that was Ghost Shark. Unfortunately for the lives affected, the following stories are completely true events, and in no way involved Tara Reid or Eric Roberts.
The Chinese town of Defang was rocked to its core when a million cockroaches managed to escape from a medical facility and spill out into the unsuspecting countryside. The roaches were being used in traditional Chinese medicine, wherein they are ground up and used to fight infectious bacteria for reasons that can never, ever be explained.
Our best guess is that the bacteria dies of fear.
The jailbreak occurred when the giant plastic greenhouse that contained the cockroaches was mysteriously damaged, by either vandals or a vengeful God. Disease investigators have been called to the scene to devise a plan of attack against the roaches, so it is likely that three or four of them will be eaten alive by the chittering insects before the end credits roll.
Ryan Blair was in the middle of a two-month boating adventure off the coast of Australia when he found himself on a remote island near Kalumburu, running low on supplies. However, his every attempt to kayak back to the mainland was thwarted by a 19-foot saltwater crocodile, who ruled the island with a scaled fist and had apparently decided that the only way Blair was leaving was in a ropy tendril of croco-poo floating through the West Australian Current.
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"Hey, until you start paying rent here, you have to live by my rules."
Every time Blair tried to paddle out, the crocodile would appear, daring him to come closer and discover what thrilling surprises it had in store for him. The crocodile kept Blair trapped there like that for two weeks, until a local finally happened to spot him and came to his rescue in a real, actual boat. When Blair described his ordeal, the locals noted that stuff like this happens all the time and dubbed the guy an idiot. We're judging from this unamused reaction that "getting marooned on an island by a pants-shittingly frightening reptile" is the rural Australian equivalent of a quinceanera.
Imagine you are getting ready to indulge in an invigorating soak in your Jacuzzi tub. You set down your diamond-dusted glass of champagne, undo your Egyptian cotton robe, and dip your toes into the warm water. But you immediately realize that the tub isn't full of water at all -- instead, it is a writhing, slimy cauldron of tiny red bloodworms.
We hear they're great for exfoliation.
This is the precise horror now faced by the residents of Colcord, Oklahoma, where the public water supply has become completely infested with bloodworms, sort of like that Hilary Swank movie that nobody saw.
The tagline is about the script.
No one has any idea how the worms managed to get through the 6 feet of coal and sand that makes up Colcord's filtration system, which is a tactful way of saying "black magic." Schools have been shut down, local businesses are unable to serve any fountain drinks or coffee, and residents have to brush their teeth and bathe in bottled water until the town concocts a plan for the bloodworms' expulsion, which we assume will be achieved through some sort of exorcism.
Because the state of Oklahoma apparently wasn't done being gross, the once quiet streets of Tulsa are now overrun with undulating, pungent swarms of giant crickets.
As if dentist offices didn't have enough trouble getting patients to work up the nerve to get through the front door.
In addition to the constant, deafening thrum of chirping, the crickets grease the air with a stench of rotting meat. This essentially makes walking through Tulsa like taking a trip through a whistling corpse anus.
"Just walk away and we'll give you a safe passageway in the cornfields. Just walk away and there will be an end to the horror."
Experts agree that the cricket invasion was likely caused by a perfect storm of dry and hot weather conditions (read: extraterrestrial radiation), and that the number of crickets is probably going to swell before it weakens. Residents simply have no choice but to bide their time and persevere until the streets of Tulsa belong to humans once again.