Even if they decide to gloss over the pesky "historical background" of St. Nicholas, how are they going to handle the traditional Santa iconography? There's no way they're going to make the star of a sword-and-sandals action extravaganza a nearsighted type-2 diabetic. No, Winter's Knight Santa is going to be a ripped necromancer with an inexplicable English accent:
The Unavoidable Love Subplot (aka Santa Boners)
And there is definitely going to be at least one sequence wherein Santa has sex with a Viking priestess and makes the entire theater really uncomfortable. Yep, we're going to have to see Santa Claus' chest muscles glistening moodily in the flickering light of a narwhal blubber candle while he smashes his pelvis against some starlet in Braveheart makeup. And I guarantee the tagline is "This Christmas -- BELIEVE IN SANTA," because the people who paid a million dollars just for the privilege of turning this idea into a movie are the types of sun-bleached assholes who would think that tagline is cool.
We could be totally wrong. Winter's Knight may turn out to be the refreshing dose of originality that Hollywood has been searching for, and if that's the case, Cracked will run an official retraction. But we're willing to roll those dice. The film industry is so desperate for any idea that isn't a sequel, a reboot, or an adaptation that they'll apparently throw money grenades at any pitch that doesn't contain those words. This gives us hope for Fuck of the Irish, our gritty St. Patrick reboot.
Tom is an editor and columnist right here at Cracked. Follow the shit out of him on Twitter and Tumblr.
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