Jonathan Wojcik
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The Pokemon world seems like a fun place to be, with all those friendly mutant animals willing to suffer for your entertainment. However, when we consider the evidence, Pokemon seems awfully similar to movies like The Thing and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, with a little of that black shit from Prometheus drizzled on top for good measure -- all of those adorable Pokemon could very well be mutated forms of the same alien organism, one that systematically assimilates and replaces normal life forms with horrific copies bent on taking over the world.
The Pokemon world resembles Earth, except the ecosystem is crazy and horrible. Instead of several thousand species of jellyfish, for example, several thousand species of tentacool dominate the seas. A tentacool is similar to a jellyfish, only it has more superpowers than the entire Justice League, so any mild-mannered jellyfish that may have once existed were crushed into extinction long ago.
When "destroyed all jellyfish" is the first line of your resume, it doesn't really need to say anything else.
It's like that everywhere in Pokemon land -- one region will be dominated by some major feline or serpentine Pokemon armed with psychic death rays, but no conventional cats or snakes will be anywhere in sight. Normal animals are virtually never shown in the franchise, except as part of a display in a natural history museum in which they're being murdered by Pokemon.
That was seriously the last fish on Earth.
Pokemon may resemble animals or plants (or even goddamned lawn mowers), but they all intertwine into a single breeding population, meaning they're technically one big species. They're like different breeds of dog, if dogs came shaped like centipedes, dinosaurs, or ice cream. So, the Earth is populated by a single ultimate mega-species that has chosen to imitate an entire ecosystem of curiously absent creatures.
Pokemon are suspiciously user-friendly, despite their catastrophic powers and feral appearance. They enjoy being tamed by humans, they have to be forced into battle against each other to evolve and grow, and, most bizarrely, they're compatible with electronics. They can be stored and uploaded as computer data. Combat-oriented, domestication-ready, downloadable life forms generally don't occur in the natural world, which suggests that the Pokemon are products of biological engineering. However, people clearly don't have a fucking clue where they came from, which brings us to our next point ...
Many Pokemon are known to be extraterrestrial in origin, routinely dropping down from space like decommissioned Soviet satellites for us to stumble upon and keep in our pockets. So, it's pretty safe to assume that they're all aliens, and they've come down to our planet to replace all indigenous life with doppelgangers ripped from the nightmares of some brain-sick ecologist (there are apparently even some Pokemon that can create entire worlds whenever they feel like it).
Pokecatholics believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Robot-Horse Thing.
These facts lead us to:
The Horrible Truth
Pokemon = John Carpenter's The Thing
Pokemon are an invasive weapon sent to Earth by alien conquerors. Once on a planet, they assimilate all natural life and transform it into a Pokemon-based ecosystem. When their overlords finally arrive to claim their prize, the Pokemon can just be downloaded onto some galactic hard drive, ready to depopulate some other distant world in the universe. Who could stop them? Human beings, who became completely dependent on Pokemon as their primary line of defense? Fucking wrong. The aliens tricked us all with cuddly subversive weaponry, and now we are powerless to defeat them.
Anyone who tries to resist will be replaced by a humanoid Pokemon copy so exact that no one will ever know the difference.
OK, so the aliens are still working on human Pokemon. It's a complicated technology, you have to appreciate the progress, not the result.
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