4 Reasons The New 'Star Wars' Movies Will Inevitably Be Bad

4

They're Imitating the Marvel Movies

Disney's new creative model -- that is, simply buying companies more creative than them -- has paid off huge with Marvel's Avengers franchise. So after snatching up Lucasfilm, it makes perfect sense that Disney wouldn't think twice about adopting the same model for Star Wars and plan "at least three" spinoff films to go with the new core trilogy starring Hollywood starlets Lupita Nyong'o and Max von Sydow.

And considering what we know of Disney's record with sequels -- see 2007's seminal Cinderella III: A Twist in Time -- it's safe to say some of those spinoffs will score at least one sequel, right? But there's a problem with that. Take a look at the Marvel universe:

Marvel Comics
"HAIL MARVEL! Cut a franchise, and two more shall take its place!"

3

They're Origin Stories (For Characters Who Don't Need It)

If there was ever a single smoking gun for the potential shittiness of these films, it's Disney's chief financial officer declaring them to be "origin stories." But there's another word for "origin stories" that Disney deliberately seems to be avoiding: "prequels." That's right -- the new Star Wars spinoffs will be prequels. Remember how awesome that worked out before?

Lucasfilm

2

The Studio Release Strategy Is Insane

The J.J. Abrams war of the stars hits theaters roughly 520 days from now, and will continue every two years until 2019, or 1,461 days after the first one. Every other year between that is when Disney plans to release the aforementioned spinoff films, meaning that in those 1,461 days, we'll be seeing five movies, topped off by a sixth in 2020 -- not to mention whatever sequels will inevitably follow. That's one film every 365 days for the next six years or, more likely, the rest of your waking life.

Tom Pennington/Getty Images News/Getty Images
The episode titles are going to start looking like Super Bowls.

1

Statistically Speaking, the Movies Are Destined to Suck

Let's be brutally honest -- since The Empire Strikes Back, there really hasn't been an amazing Star Wars anything in the past 34 years. Sure, we got Knights of the Old Republic, the Genndy Tartakovsky Clone Wars cartoon, and some well-received books here and there. But what else? Right out the gate, there was the Holiday Special followed by a bunch of completely unwatchable television shows, as well as an endless cornucopia of video games of varying quality control, including a Mortal Kombat-style fighting game where it took like 10 fucking hits with a lightsaber to kill a Stormtrooper.

LucasArts
"Boba's feet!?! Where?"

Aside from the terrible prequels, they also did a Clone Wars animated movie that is currently at 18 percent on Rotten Tomatoes. Hell, one of the last pre-Disney Star Wars projects was a cartoon sitcom for kids that had 39 episodes in the can until it got buried for probably forever. Maybe it's time to admit that Star Wars was just an exceedingly decent science fiction homage to a 1958 samurai film.

Toho
"Try replacing me with CGI'ed Hayden Christensen. I fucking dare you."

We'd be just as thrilled as you if these new movies end up proving us wrong. We really would. But when we're talking about a franchise with a cinematic batting record only slightly better than videos al-Qaida's put out, the smart money is not on the Wookiee.