Christian Mingle Has a Movie Coming Out And It Look Bonkers

What's more, You've Got Mail was a good movie to watch (if you were stuck on an airplane and Sleepless in Seattle killed your parents). Every indication thus far is that Christian Mingle will be ... something other than good. For starters, Bernsen isn't the only fading luminary from decades past involved. While You've Got Mail featured timely superstars Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, Christian Mingle stars Lacey Chabert, whom you may remember from Party of Five, in which she played second fiddle to Jennifer Love Hewitt's boobs. Or you might remember her from Mean Girls, where she played fourth fiddle to Lindsay Lohan's last good role. The movie also features John O'Hurley (J. Peterman from Seinfeld) and David Keith, whose last major movie appearance was in Daredevil. Morgan Fairchild also appears, non-ironically.

Even more egregiously, while You've Got Mail benefited from a heartwarming story line created by acclaimed writer/director Nora Ephron, the Christian Mingle crew seems to have settled for pilfering every worn-out movie trope known to mankind. In fact ...

But she still looks unhappy! How the fuck?

Home Theater Films
She spends the first 10 minutes on Reddit, posting about how men don't like nice girls and are only into asshole women.

Aha, that explains it. She snivels about the woeful lack of suitable men to have SEX IN THE CITY with, commiserating with a group of three friends, while they go shopping, hang out at bars, and visit pastry shops.

Home Theater Films
"I remind myself of Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda, so you three have to be Jerry, George, and Kramer."

She receives sage advice from a sassy black friend.

Home Theater Films
"Thank you, Oprah."
"Don't call me Oprah." -actual dialogue

But at the end of the day, it seems she's destined to become an old maid, working at ... whatever the fuck her job is. All we know is that it involves a globe, a U.S. map, and fruit.

Home Theater Films
"My job is apparently a high-school algebra problem."

On a whim, she decides to fill out a profile on (you guessed it!) ChristianMingle.com, whereupon she meets a Ned Flanders doppelganger named Paul. They hit it off! There's just one problem: she's not actually a Christian. In fact, the whole concept of Christianity is such a mysterious conundrum to her that she goes to a bookstore and "hilariously" reads Christianity for Dummies (even though there's clearly a laptop on her desk at work, and we know she has Internet access because that's what got her into this wacky mess in the first place). She decides to act like a holy roller and entice Paul with her faux-Christian wiles, leading to more conflict, and eventually Paul discovers her blasphemous chicanery. There's so much unbridled zaniness going on here that not just one, but two record-scratch moments are required over the course of only two and a half minutes.

One can only assume a happy ending is in the cards, but how will it all play out? I guess we'll have to watch the movie. Actually, no, because ...

Act I: establish the character and her needs to get the plot rolling.

Gwyneth Hayden is a 30-something marketing executive with a top-notch career, killer wardrobe, dream apartment and great friends. She thinks the only thing missing is a man. In a moment of inspired desperation, she fills out a profile on the dating website ChristianMingle.com hoping to find Mr. Right.

Home Theater Films
She was already banned for lying on JDate and BlackPeopleMeet.

Act II: raise the stakes, add conflict. Hit a low point.

However, Gwyneth's attempts at impressing her dream guy end in disaster when he calls her out on her "faux faith."

Act III: personal growth, resolution.

In an honest realization, she sees her superficial life for what it really is, and she's driven to create a personal relationship with God. In the end, He delivers on the true desires of her heart: "life-changing" love.

They even show you the last scene of the movie: Gwyneth gives up her high-profile career to go teach kids in Mexico or some shit. The laptop you saw at her fruit-laden desk at the start? It's there in the classroom now, along with a Christmas tree, presumably because the budget didn't allow for a choir singing "Amazing Grace" in the background with CGI sunbeams to further maximize the overbearing symbolism.

Home Theater Films
"Ponchos are the only thing Latin boys wear, right?" -costume designer

In the end, Gwyneth has an epiphany and learns a valuable lesson, which apparently is "give money to ChristianMingle.com." Mostly because ...

Soon after, in a happy coincidence, Christian Mingle teamed up with Bernsen's production company. Faith-­based movies seem to be enjoying a recent popularity, so the opportunity must have seemed especially ripe to make a film that cashes in on that trend while touting Christian Mingle's ability to offer boning opportunities to Christ enthusiasts. Specifically, by having the protagonist watch one of their TV commercials.

Home Theater Films
If a different late-night channel had been on, this would have been a movie about her trying to nail George Foreman.

She meets a man who basically is a walking plug for online dating, if your idea of a perfect partner happens to be a milquetoast, 1950s stereotype of a "square." The filmmakers make sure to mention just how Gwyneth's dreams came true in the end. It's all thanks to the serendipitous existence of their product: "This is weird, isn't it? It's a weird way to meet somebody! But the stuff between never really changes: family, joy, our love for the Lord." If there was ever a more perfect opportunity to add a third record scratch, we can't think of it.

Home Theater Films
Open your heart to the Lord, and favorable NASDAQ returns will surely follow!

For another film you won't believe somebody thought was a good idea, see the gritty Santa Claus reboot in 4 Reasons This New Movie Is Everything Wrong With Hollywood. And check 4 Creepy Dating Apps That Actually Exist for further Internet dating tools that deserve their own crappy movies.