4 Reasons the 'Full House' Reunion Should Be a Reality Show

4

The Kids Will Probably Kill Each Other

The two actresses who played the eldest Tanner girls have gone in staggeringly different directions with their lives: Jodie Sweetin spent her adulthood in and out of rehab for a kaleidoscope of rampaging addictions, whereas Candace Cameron Bure has become an evangelical Christian. Suddenly, the prospect of watching them argue over having to share a room is 10 times more dramatic than it ever was when Full House was on the air, because now D.J. can scream at Stephanie about the time she got blackout drunk at D.J.'s wedding.

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"How rude," indeed.

Andrea Barber, who played annoying neighbor Kimmy Gibbler, is now a women's studies scholar, which would undoubtedly cause further friction with Cameron Bure, who proudly advocates for the "submissive" role of women in marriage. Finally, there's Blake McIver Ewing, who played Michelle's friend Derek and grew up to become a go-go dancer.

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To the surprise of exactly no one.

3

Stamos and Lori Loughlin Have Been Secretly in Love for Decades

Stamos and Lori Loughlin have carried a torch for each other for the last 20 years, ever since playing husband and wife on Full House. It's always been the wrong time -- Loughlin was married when the show began (which she honestly should've thought about before agreeing to be onscreen with a celestial Adonis). When she finally divorced, Stamos was with Rebecca Romijn, whom he would later relinquish to Jerry O'Connell.

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Here's your Internet-mandatory "Jerry O'Connell was the fat kid" mention. Moving on ...

Lori remarried, but neither she nor Stamos have any qualms telling journalists exactly how they feel about each other. Stamos declared in a recent interview that Loughlin was "the one that got away," causing her to momentarily cast all knowledge of her husband into the comfortable oblivion of selective memory. Apparently, the formidable combination of mullet and leather vest is simply too powerful to be denied.

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#ThisCouldBeUsButYouPlayin

If a bunch of TV producers locked them together in a Real World townhouse, how long would it take for them to drown each other in a hot tub full of consensual nudity (giving Cameron Bure something else to freak the hell out about)? We're looking at maybe two or three episodes of tension before Loughlin files for divorce via extramarital sex on broadcast television.

2

There's Gotta Be Some Resentment Between Saget and Coulier

As struggling comic Joey Gladstone, Coulier was supposed to be the funny one, while Saget's neurotic germophobe was supposed to be the straight man (although, in eight years of television, neither managed to be legitimately funny). What fans of the show didn't know at the time was that Saget is one of the filthiest stand-up comedians in history, which raises the question "Why was he chosen to star in a family sitcom?" And in the years following Full House, Saget's become somewhat famous for his propensity to curse all of the time for no reason.

As for Coulier, not so much. The guy who got famous doing stupid voices on Full House became almost immediately obscure, resulting in an existential crisis that kept him off the stage for 10 years. Today, he's best known for having sex with Alanis Morissette while she was still a teenager, and most of his time is spent appearing on various reality shows, which makes him perfect fodder for our proposed Full House reunion.

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"I live outside now."

Saget has been throwing Coulier some bones over the years, including letting the man sleep on his couch and offering him a small part in Farce of the Penguins, which is only marginally better than going hungry. This is how the seeds of envy are planted. If exploiting resentment were an Olympic event, reality TV producers would shit gold medals. The bitterness between the two stars of Full House would be nurtured into a fistfight full of blue comedy and irritating cartoon voices.

1

The Olsen Twins Do Not Have Time for This Shit

Every time the idea of a Full House reunion gets tossed around, the first cast members to indicate their total lack of interest in participating are Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, the elvish changelings best known for bringing Michelle Tanner to life. As the "youngest self-made millionaires in American history," they are without question the show's most distinguished alumni, and their mere presence in the Full House reality show townhouse would reduce the rest of the cast to a cloud of glaring, jealous rage.

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This face all the time.

The best part is, Mary-Kate and Ashley would make no secret about how little they wanted to be there. They would be the tiny blonde elephants in the room, with hundreds of better things to do with their time that no one would be willing to acknowledge.

Imagine Cameron Bure shouting at Sweetin while Stamos and Loughlin crush pelvises and Saget and Coulier body-slam each other through furniture. Now imagine Mary-Kate and Ashley right in the middle of it, glancing at each other and complaining in creepy twin telepathy about the millions of dollars they could be making instead of wasting their time with this bullshit.

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This face all the time.

They'd be like Kanye West in Keeping Up With the Kardashians, except in this show, the rest of the cast had to actually do something to become famous.

Manna would love for you to follow her on Twitter, particularly if you happen to be John Stamos.