J.F. Sargent
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Most everyday workplace mishaps are embarrassing but harmless (see: accidentally unleashing a corpse flower of a fart upon seeing your office crush saunter into the break room). However, no matter how mortifying, our avocational cock-ups don't make the national news. The same can't be said for these poor bastards, whose bad days at work quickly became the most publicly embarrassing moments of their entire lives.
A German bank employee recently fell asleep at work. That in and of itself isn't too surprising, but he somehow managed to conk out in the middle of transferring funds with his finger resting leadenly on the "2" key and accidentally sent some poor retired guy 222,222,222,222 euros. That's almost $300 million, which is roughly enough money to fly to the moon three times.
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Four times, if you steal your spacesuit from the Smithsonian.
The bank quickly identified and corrected the mistake before any money ever physically changed hands, meaning that some random German retiree is going to get the simultaneously most exciting and crushingly disappointing bank statement of his entire life, sort of like learning you've won a 12-figure lottery jackpot in a defunct foreign currency.
A maintenance worker repairing a giant electronic billboard in Northern China decided to pop some hardcore pornography into his laptop to reward himself for completing another successful repair, because for some reason he had a raging vindication boner that simply couldn't wait until he got home.
However, he didn't realize that his laptop was still connected to the Jumbotron he'd been troubleshooting, which is another way of saying "He ended up broadcasting 10 minutes of a porno DVD on a giant television screen in the middle of a crowded public square." Furthermore, the porn he was heroically watching, Forbidden Legend: Sex and Chopsticks, is literally illegal in China.
Twin Co. Ltd.
Above: the only threat to Communism greater than Ronald Reagan.
When he finally realized his mistake (a phrase here meaning "When he finally finished masturbating and noticed the giant TV screen outside was full of sex"), he unplugged the computer and threw the contraband DVD out the window. He then presumably walked outside to his truck with his hands in his pockets, whistling nonchalantly.
The security supervisor for JFK International Airport recently emailed a picture of his sad, veiny penis to every single one of his co-workers, which is something that inexplicably happens all the time, despite how seemingly impossible such a thing is to do by accident.
Photos.com
iLife finds a way.
The man reportedly meant to send a photo of a fender bender involving one of the airport's security cars and mistakenly sent along a snapshot of his boner instead, leading us to wonder what he could have possibly written in the email to create such confusion in his own mind -- maybe "Look at what some asshole did to me" or "Don't worry, we can hammer out the dents and repaint it."
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"It's also flat, so if someone could give me a jack, that'd be great."
Upon realizing his error, he scrambled around to every possible computer that could've received his junk shot and tried to delete it before anybody noticed. He fessed up when this strategy failed, and -- in keeping with the high professional standards we ascribe to airport security -- the man's superiors made an Anthony Weiner joke and briefly suspended him.
Ninety-year-old Ralph Hall, the oldest person to ever serve in the House of Representatives and an ardent opponent of gay rights, accidentally wandered into a Gay & Lesbian Victory Fund event like Mr. fucking Magoo. That's like David Duke sitting through 15 minutes of Lil' Wayne's birthday party before realizing he's walked into the wrong Hilton ballroom.
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"I should have known something was up; the catering's great and people are actually having fun."
Hall had meant to attend an event in support of a fellow congressman and had simply gotten his directions confused, which is no surprise, considering he is clearly confused as to what century he's living in. To his credit, when Hall realized his mistake, he says he politely "put down my glass, thanked the sponsor, and told him we would be leaving" (but we would not be surprised if he then immediately beelined to the hospital to have himself violently deloused to keep from catching "the gay").
J.F. Sargent tweets, blogs, and writes novels you can read for free.
