XJ Selman
·
In every line of work, you'll always find that one employee who simply couldn't give a fraction of an iota of a fuck. Unfortunately, some of those people have been entrusted with transporting your belongings from one place to another, a simple task that can go wrong in manifold ways. For instance ...
It's a story that has right-leaning websites furiously bouncing back and forth between "Give this man a raise!" and "Arrest him!" Last October, residents at an apartment complex in Fresno, California, witnessed a mail carrier dumping piles and piles of unopened letters in their dumpster. What was so unimportant that the government employee decided people didn't need to see it? Oh, just potentially life-changing information about the then-upcoming Affordable Care Act.
kmph.com
"Eh, they can just check the website."
Before you type a comment applauding the man for single-handedly preventing the U.S. from becoming the next Cuba, dear levelheaded commenter, keep in mind that he wasn't protesting anything: He admitted he dumped the mail because he was in a rush and wasn't gonna let something as trivial as "doing his job" detain him. The man was fired, thus ending Obamacare's woes forever.
Delivering newspapers every morning is a thankless task -- unless you're Robert Bell of Virginia, who "thanked" himself by going through the mailboxes of the gated community where he dished out the Washington Post and stealing any envelopes that looked like they might have money in them. He did this for three years and amassed over $100,000 before residents discovered the high-end technology of security cameras and caught him in August 2013.
Photos.com
"If only there was a way to pay my pals online."
But at least he wasn't specifically targeting kids ... unlike Bruce Menzies of the USPS, who was recently caught stealing money from the gift letters for children that he found in his bag, thus irrevocably making multiple grandmas look like total bullshitters in the eyes of their little angels. (It's unclear how many useless checks for "a hundred HUGS!" he collected this way.)
Tracey Sole of Missouri came home one day last month to find an interesting notice from UPS waiting for her. The good news: The Android tablet she had saved for months to buy as a Christmas gift for her young daughter had finally arrived! The bad news: The UPS driver placed it inside a trash can. The worse news: It was garbage day.
fox2now.com
"The family of raccoons living there promised to keep an eye on it."
Upon verifying that her garbage collectors had better work ethics than her delivery person (read: the tablet was gone), Sole quickly contacted UPS, who offered the reassuring explanation that their drivers are trained to leave packages out of sight. They have since promised to give Sole's daughter a new tablet, in addition to the one they accidentally gifted to Oscar the Grouch and his kin.
In a reversal of the classic plot of hundreds of pornos, last November a UPS driver in Oklahoma City was visited in his truck by a prostitute, whom he proceeded to bang, much to the horror of all the unsuspecting packages present. We would have been spared the knowledge of what really transpires inside delivery trucks if the courtesan hadn't snapped some naked pictures of herself, which she then posted online.
newson6.com
We haven't seen such a voluptuous UPS driver since The Kings of Queens ended.
UPS is trying to establish the identity of the driver, presumably in order to notify the package recipients that their goods must be burned at once. They've had better luck identifying the prostitute, who goes by "Tiffany Cums" and notes that she's "discreet," despite the fact that her professional title happens to be "Tiffany Cums." (With a moniker like that, nobody's going to mistake her for, say, a chessmaster.)
The third part of XJ's epic science fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.
Always on the go but can't get enough of those sweet, sweet dick jokes? We have an Android app and iOS reader for you to pick from so you never miss another article.
Are you a fan of money, everlasting glory, but really just money? We want to give you that! (Particularly the money part.) Enter as many designs as you want into our T-shirt contest and you might just win $500.
