The media are so apt at weaving beautiful tapestries of nonsense that we've managed to once again catch enough floaters to bring you another batch of news stories that were essentially nothing before the media got their hyperbolic hands on them.
So here we are again, dredging up some fantastic news that's more fantastic than news, in the hopes that news outlets will finally develop some shame and cut this shit out. Hey, it can happen, right?
4 The "World's First Robot Suicide" Was Just a Malfunctioning Roomba
This one probably made it to your local newspaper: The first martyr of the robot cause is here. A "robotic cleaner" in Austria, fed up with its boring labor, reportedly switched itself on, climbed onto a kitchen hot plate, and ended its own life through self-immolation, taking its oppressive human owners' house along with it.
Many of the outlets that reported this story, including TIME and CNET, threw around words like "android" and "robot," but here's one they didn't use: Roomba. Because that's what this was: a Roomba that was left on a counter, activated by itself, and rolled onto a stove top into its adorable little demise. There are entire forums devoted to Roombas doing just that. It's usually caused by mixed-up signals or corrupt memory, not some secret AI that turns Roombas into Skynet's own Joan of Arc.