And finally, here's Burt Reynolds as the shapeshifting alien from The Thing, for reasons that can never possibly be explained:
The artist was just listed as a "V. Kilmer".
We'd like to think there's some kind of Da Vinci code hidden in these paintings that will lead some lucky buyer to a cache of Burt Reynolds treasure locked away inside a hollow Tibetan mountain.
Demonic Osama bin Laden Action Figures
Speaking of ridiculous plots that make no sense, back in 2005 the CIA hatched a scheme to drop a bunch of color-changing Osama bin Laden dolls on Afghanistan. The dolls, designed by G.I. Joe creator Donald Levine, would appear normal at first, but when subjected to intense heat (like, say, the heat of the Afghan desert), Osama's tiny plastic face would change into the crimson, tattooed mask of a hideous demon and/or Sith Lord. At some point, the CIA decided that scary-faced action figures probably wouldn't terrify the enemy into submission, so the project was abandoned with only a handful of prototypes ever produced. And now you can buy one of them!
Adam Goldman/The Washington Post
Of course that asshole would have been a prequel fan.
Well, you could have, had you beaten the winning bidder to the punch and been willing to shell out nearly $12,000 for Scary Osama, which is how much this prototype just sold for at auction. Donald Levine recently passed away, and the doll (with interchangeable heads rather than the color-changing technology that would've theoretically been implemented in the finished product) was found among his personal belongings, which is another way of saying "the doll was found lying alongside Levine's lifeless, horror-stricken body."
A Lost Adolf Hitler Original
It is a well-known fact that Adolf Hitler tried really hard to become a painter before deciding to murder a significant portion of the world's population. Depending on who you ask, he might also have been possessed by demons. Hitler never really got beyond a high school art class level of skill, but fame and infamy drive up the price of all of your bullshit in equal measure, so if for some insane reason you want to have a Hitler original hanging up in your house, you can expect to pay more for it than a fleet of luxury sedans, like this stupid piece of shit that just sold for $161,000:
"It was discovered on the wall of a Bennigan's in 1995."
Besides being a fantastic example of Hitler's inability to understand perspective (compare the size of the man on the corner to the size of the window next to him), the painting was originally purchased back in 1916, which is before Hitler was even on anyone's radar. Two sisters recently discovered the painting among their grandfather's belongings, which suggests either that their grandfather genuinely liked terrible art or that he was Hitler's landlord or something and generously accepted this pile of earth-toned garbage in lieu of rent one month when Hitler was between jobs.
The sisters sold the painting at auction to an anonymous buyer from somewhere in the Middle East, and donated 10 percent of the money to charity, because that apparently makes profiting off of the notoriety of a genocidal buttfart acceptable. There are no clues as to the identity of the anonymous buyer, so it is our responsibility to assume that it is secretly Vampire Hitler, combing the Earth for his lost artwork to fill his sandy tomb.
For more from M. Asher Cantrell, check out Weird Shit Blog and his book, The Book of Word Records, available now!
For further glimpses into the resale abyss, check out The 6 Most Terrifying Items People Actually Collect and 5 Weird Things I Learned Selling My Used Panties on Reddit.