4 Horrifying Facts About the Sexy Halloween Costume Industry

Those are three of the six costumes that Party City has for girls in the "Career Costumes" category (the other offerings include a pink boxer in booty shorts and a Katy Perry outfit). These seem less like fun ways to spark little girls' imaginations and more like an ad in Rusty Cargo Van Enthusiast Monthly.

For comparison, let's take a look at the career costumes for little boys. Are we dressing Timmy Jenkins in a cowboy costume with assless chaps or telling him that one of his six career choices is to become the sexual panther that was David Lee Roth in the 1980s? Of course not, because that would be totally insane. No, the boys get at least 17 career costume options, and they all look like this:

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The flight suit is the same size as the one Tom Cruise wore in the movie.

In other words, boys get to look like tiny versions of professional adults. Girls have to dress up like tiny stripper versions of professional adults.

Then there's the interesting problem presented by Gamora from Guardians of the Galaxy. The movie was a huge hit, and Gamora is a strong female character, so it's great that little girls finally have a chance to get a costume from the store of a female superhero they've seen on the big screen. Since this is a children's costume we're talking about, surely the designers would have selected something appropriate. After all, Gamora wears a few different outfits in the movie, including a full body-covering red flight suit, so it's not like there aren't options ...

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"Not shitty" could have been one.

Haha, nope. We went with the skin-tight leather catsuit, complete with knee-high boots and a handy green shirt to represent all of Gamora's exposed skin. In an astonishing feat, the children's version manages to show MORE SKIN than the virtually identical adult version:

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However, both are equally lazy in effort.

Notice how the one trait of Gamora's that would make everyone recognize your costume immediately, regardless of which of her outfits you were wearing, is conspicuously absent in both versions -- Gamora's green skin. Neither the little girl nor the woman painted their faces green, because women have to be pretty at all times, even when pretending to be fictional alien assassins.

Unsurprisingly, people don't drop that kind of cash just buying costumes for their kids -- it's estimated that more than half of that $2.5 billion will be spent on costumes for adults. While men and women are about equally likely to dress up (25 percent vs. 27 percent), women are much more likely to plan their costumes well in advance (71 percent vs. 53 percent). This means that while men are running around trying to cut holes into a sheet on Halloween night, women have already purchased their costumes and any necessary accessories. Women are big business for Halloween companies. So they keep rolling out new and increasingly terrible sexy ideas for us, which is how we end up with things like the sexy killer whale, which looks more like you're dressed up as an arctic warrior wearing the skin of her greatest foe:

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And stilettos.

And, of course, the sexy pizza:

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Pizza is already sexy as is, damn you.

As jubilantly insane as it seems, everything about this costume was a conscious, deliberate choice (made by a man). It didn't have to be that low cut, or that short, or that tight. Even the pizza slice is intentionally provocative (it's a giant V pointing directly to your vagina). The people who create these costumes aren't stupid -- heck, they may not even be crazy.

Furthermore, as you may have noticed, most costumes you buy from a store vary in quality from "this will probably look OK as long as I'm wearing it in the dark" to "this is a painted garbage bag that tore in half the very instant I tried to put it on," and yet they certainly aren't cheap to buy -- that sexy pizza suit will cost you $70. Almost all of our costumes are made in China for near slave-labor wages, so costume companies are probably making around a 200 percent profit for each item sold. That's a ton of incentive to keep cranking out "sexy stale bagel" costumes year after year.

A huge part of designing these costumes is making something so off-the-wall that people have to notice it. They're counting on us to make fun of them, because that's how shit gets sold.

Which brings us to our next point ...