XJ Selman
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The corrections section is an important aspect of news reporting, as it shows readers that journalists aren't just churning out shit as soon as they can type it, but actually care enough to double-check their work (after they've published it). As we've pointed out before, this leads to esteemed publications having to swallow what's left of their pride and print hilariously embarrassing admissions like ...
As you might have heard, last week Juno star Ellen Page announced her homosexuality, thereby prompting various news sites to desperately struggle to drum up a story angle that justified placing "Famous Person You Will Never Meet Is Gay" as front-page news. The Guardian increased the revelations by 100 percent by noting that "Some gay people, such as Sir Patrick Stewart, think Page's coming out speech is newsworthy."
The problem? No matter how many pictures you see of Patrick Stewart and Gandalf being fabulous together, the man is in a happy heterosexual marriage with a woman.
twitter.com/SirPatStew
That's not going to stop Elmo from eye-fucking the both of them, though.
The Guardian quickly claimed that what they meant to say was "Some people, such as Sir Patrick Stewart, think Page's coming out speech is newsworthy," which actually makes less sense. Meanwhile, Stewart himself preferred to look on the positive side:
But not everyone's so lucky ...
Last December, James Maze of Marshall County, Alabama, suspected that something strange might be going on when he started getting phone calls saying things like "Our condolences to the family" and "So sorry that you died." Upon realizing that the local newspaper had given him up for dead, Maze rushed over to a copy, only to discover his own obituary. This concerned Maze, as he's running for sheriff, and it's a little hard to convince people to vote for you when everyone thinks you're a ghost.
waff.com
"Alive, dead, alive. Do you want to support such a flip-flopper?"
Maze says the photo and the personal history in the obituary were correct, but other details were a little off, like the names of his relatives and the current state of his pulse. The newspaper admitted that they had confused the potential sheriff with another James Maze who had actually kicked the bucket. So Maze is very much alive, but sadly we can't say the same about his Facebook page:
facebook.com/pages/James-Maze
"Please, if I hit 20, I won't haunt your family."
Last week, the Wall Street Journal released extensive coverage of the off-season workout habits of NFL player Brent Celek, because that's the world we live in now. While giving its business-minded readers essential information about Celek's eating habits, preferred sneakers brand, and musical taste, the WSJ reporter misheard the name of rapper 2 Chainz, which led to this important correction:
online.wsj.com
"Stock market immediately plummets."
So, wait, did the Wall Street Journal think there was a rapper called Two Chairs, or did they assume that Celek had put two literal chairs inside his iPod, using some of that newfangled "wire-less" technology, but were ashamed to ask for more specifics? Because either way, that's kind of adorable.
Last week, the Newark Star-Ledger published a story about the hilarious "Bridgegate" scandal, in which people connected to Governor Chris Christie conspired to create traffic jams in New Jersey (because that's a place that needed help sucking more). The article mentioned that Christie's personal press secretary, Michael Drewniak, apparently doesn't think much of the Port Authority's executive director, Patrick Foye -- we're just gonna say he compared Foye to a certain bodily waste, because we're classy like that.
The Star-Ledger, however, was more specific in its description, and that led to this correction:
nj.com
"We apologize for the shitty reporting."
Yep, the paper felt the need to clarify that Drewniak actually said "excrement" while another New Jersey official said "crap," but we just have to wonder who cared enough to point this out. Was it Drewniak, who didn't want to be associated with the low vocabulary of "crap" over "excrement"? Or was it Wildstein, not wanting to seem like he was stealing someone else's diss? One day, God willing, the truth shall come out.
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.
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