Most of us have been online long enough to understand that emails are forever, which is why every work message requires sobriety and a triple check that you didn't accidentally type "F.U. HR" while requesting time off. So if you ever happen to send out an internal memo that is completely insane, know that it will inevitably be leaked to the public, who will laugh at your batshit missive until the sun burns out.

4
Nike Dictates Random Child's Wardrobe

Last November, Florida State destroyed Miami with a 41-14 victory, proving once again that one part of Florida is better than another part of Florida. After the game, Florida State's coach, hilariously named Jimbo Fisher, greeted his 9-year-old son as the child ran onto the field and jumped into his arms, partly because they were happy, and partly because no one told Fisher and Fisher Jr. that they weren't living in a '90s sports movie.

ABC/ESPN
"We saved the rec center/fixed the town's racial issues/learned to be a family again!"

To everyone present, this was a scene of joy, with a son and dad embracing one another after all the tough work and long nights, making the father-son neglect worth it. But to Nike, this was an event to be scrutinized. Why? Because of what the kid was wearing. Hours after the win, a Nike marketing executive fired off a message to Florida State pointing out that the kid was wearing an FSU shirt ... from Under Armour. Dun dun DUNNNN. He then had the balls to ask "Jimbo to eliminate that from the son's wardrobe in the future!"

Barry Brecheisen/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Eh, it's a better deal than most kids get from us."

Never mind that there is such a thing as eagle-eyed label hunters scouring game crowds for the wrong labels, or that a Nike representative felt justified in requesting alterations to a 9-year-old kid's wardrobe, or that there was an exclamation mark at the end of his request. The really hilarious part of the memo is that it took a Freedom of Information Act request from the Wall Street Journal to discover the email in the first place.

3
The EPA Wants Someone to Stop Pooping in the Hallways

The Environmental Protection Agency isn't the first government office you'd associate with having some weird stuff going on behind closed doors. At most, you'd imagine that the EPA's biggest problems would revolve around their equivalent of Dwight Schrute giving everyone a hard time over the upcoming tie-yourself-to-the-trees event. But last June, Denver employees at the EPA were sent a disturbing email. The contents of the email? A plea to stop shitting in the hallways.

adlaphotography/iStock/Getty Images
"Seriously, we had to make signs. What the hell?"

[inject-module]

Apparently, Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor specified in the internal email that there had been several inappropriate bathroom "incidents" in the EPA's building: toilets stuffed with paper towels and "an individual placing feces in the hallway" outside the bathroom. The EPA also consulted a national expert in workplace violence for an opinion on the matter; he confirmed their suspicions that hallway shit is a health and safety issue, because that was something the EPA wasn't 100 percent sure of in the first place. Good news, everybody! The guys in charge of handling the nation's hazardous wastes know what they're talking about because they walk in poop halls.

2
The CIA Hates Its Cafeteria

Life at the CIA is impossible to imagine -- we picture either a highly functional, well-oiled machine orchestrating the American equivalent of an army of 007s or dingy offices with doughnut-eating government officials alt-tabbing between Facebook and weird porn confiscated by the NSA.

Sure enough, when a CIA-related Freedom of Information Act request was filled last July, it wasn't top secret information that was revealed or the blueprints to a hidden base on the moon; instead, we found out about messages sent by CIA officials to the CIA cafeteria's managers. And these include everything you can expect from disgruntled government employees complaining at the canteen.

Their complaints include the lack of a dollar menu and "attitude every day" by the employees ...

CIA

... the lack of the right kind of grapes ...

CIA
No, we don't know what turns a regular salad into a "jazz" salad.

... the "large pump boxes" of ketchup that are "causing frustration" among the CIA's best ...

CIA

... and a complaint over that one tacky bastard who thought he'd try to be cute. This is the CIA, damn it, not your 5-year-old's birthday party.

CIA
"Whatever. This isn't named the Culinary Intelligence Agency."

1
The Buffalo Bills Are Very Concerned About Vaginal Hygiene

The last year has been hell for the NFL when it comes to cheerleaders, because apparently the league's just now realizing that even women dancing around in skimpy outfits need to be treated like real people. It all started back in January, with a cheerleader from the Oakland Raiders suing the team for paying less than minimum wage. Since then, at least half a dozen cheerleader squads have filed lawsuits against their respective NFL teams, mostly for minimum wage issues, but also for your average everyday NFL douchebaggery. For example, a Buffalo Bills handbook tries to teach cheerleaders how to clean themselves.

The handbook is given out to all Buffalo Bills cheerleaders, also known as the Jills. In the section "General hygiene & lady body maintenance," there are tips such as "Wash hands often to prevent spread of viruses," "A tampon too big can irritate and develop fungus," and "Wash your feet daily!" Apparently the person who wrote these guidelines thought they were speaking to aliens wearing grown women husks who need instructions on how to be humans.

Don Juan Moore/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

In a section regarding how to behave during a conversation, tips include: "Do not be overly opinionated about anything," "Always avoid: politics, religion [...] saying 'I' or 'me' too often," and "Use 'Oh my goodness' rather than 'Oh my GOD.'" The guidebook goes so far as to teach them how to eat: "Bread should be torn to eat, not cut with a knife." As for eating soup? "Dip the spoon into the soup, moving it away from the body, until it is about two-thirds full, then sip the liquid, without slurping, from the side of the spoon without inserting the whole spoon into the mouth. This prevents soup from being spilled onto your clothes." You'd sue too if a fellow co-worker gave you instructions on how to get soup to your goddamn mouth.


The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.

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