4 Hilarious Leaked Emails Corporations Don't Want You to See

To everyone present, this was a scene of joy, with a son and dad embracing one another after all the tough work and long nights, making the father-son neglect worth it. But to Nike, this was an event to be scrutinized. Why? Because of what the kid was wearing. Hours after the win, a Nike marketing executive fired off a message to Florida State pointing out that the kid was wearing an FSU shirt ... from Under Armour. Dun dun DUNNNN. He then had the balls to ask "Jimbo to eliminate that from the son's wardrobe in the future!"

Barry Brecheisen/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Eh, it's a better deal than most kids get from us."

Never mind that there is such a thing as eagle-eyed label hunters scouring game crowds for the wrong labels, or that a Nike representative felt justified in requesting alterations to a 9-year-old kid's wardrobe, or that there was an exclamation mark at the end of his request. The really hilarious part of the memo is that it took a Freedom of Information Act request from the Wall Street Journal to discover the email in the first place.

Apparently, Deputy Regional Administrator Howard Cantor specified in the internal email that there had been several inappropriate bathroom "incidents" in the EPA's building: toilets stuffed with paper towels and "an individual placing feces in the hallway" outside the bathroom. The EPA also consulted a national expert in workplace violence for an opinion on the matter; he confirmed their suspicions that hallway shit is a health and safety issue, because that was something the EPA wasn't 100 percent sure of in the first place. Good news, everybody! The guys in charge of handling the nation's hazardous wastes know what they're talking about because they walk in poop halls.

... the lack of the right kind of grapes ...

CIA
No, we don't know what turns a regular salad into a "jazz" salad.

... the "large pump boxes" of ketchup that are "causing frustration" among the CIA's best ...

CIA

... and a complaint over that one tacky bastard who thought he'd try to be cute. This is the CIA, damn it, not your 5-year-old's birthday party.

CIA
"Whatever. This isn't named the Culinary Intelligence Agency."

The handbook is given out to all Buffalo Bills cheerleaders, also known as the Jills. In the section "General hygiene & lady body maintenance," there are tips such as "Wash hands often to prevent spread of viruses," "A tampon too big can irritate and develop fungus," and "Wash your feet daily!" Apparently the person who wrote these guidelines thought they were speaking to aliens wearing grown women husks who need instructions on how to be humans.

Don Juan Moore/Getty Images Sport/Getty Images
Or the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

In a section regarding how to behave during a conversation, tips include: "Do not be overly opinionated about anything," "Always avoid: politics, religion [...] saying 'I' or 'me' too often," and "Use 'Oh my goodness' rather than 'Oh my GOD.'" The guidebook goes so far as to teach them how to eat: "Bread should be torn to eat, not cut with a knife." As for eating soup? "Dip the spoon into the soup, moving it away from the body, until it is about two-thirds full, then sip the liquid, without slurping, from the side of the spoon without inserting the whole spoon into the mouth. This prevents soup from being spilled onto your clothes." You'd sue too if a fellow co-worker gave you instructions on how to get soup to your goddamn mouth.

The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.