J.F. Sargent
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Whenever a famous person turns crazy -- and we've pointed out that it can happen to even the most respected celebrities (you're next, Betty White) -- their fans will solemnly step back and say to their fallen idol, "We're not going to fawn over you until you get your shit together." Just kidding! They'll react by defending their absolutely indefensible celebrity hero, which leads to deranged overreactions such as these ...
What Happened:
As you may have heard, professional TV chef and walking parody of Southern values Paula Deen recently admitted to dropping the N-bomb and outright lamented the fact that we don't have singing and dancing slaves anymore. So yeah, she's either A) a racist or B) cursed with an undiagnosed mental condition where "Song of the South" plays on a loop in her brain 24/7.
The Defense:
Numerous Facebook Groups have cropped up in Deen's defense, with a recurring argument being "She's not racist because n***** n***** n*****." Seriously, some fans are arguing that no one should feel offended by the N-word ... unless, of course, you are the N-word.
Facebook
Triple exclamation points: the call sign of any well-thought-out argument.
Others have taken this as a chance to clear up some historical misconceptions:
Facebook
"Black people, you owe whites for something that happened 148 years ago! But, please, leave the past in the past."
Granted, Deen apparently didn't have the brightest fanbase to begin with, considering that many of her followers spent days bombarding the wrong channel with demands that they bring her back.
What Happened:
Chris Brown is known for two things: beating the shit out of women, and not apologizing for it. We're also vaguely aware that he has some kind of music career, but we can't imagine why anyone would care once those first two things are on the table.
The Defense:
Whereas most fans of tarnished musicians prefer to talk about mistakes and forgiveness, the most ardent of Chris Brown fans toe the party line, deep into the Mountains of Madness. (Yes, we are saying Chris Brown fans are worse than Cthulhu.)
Whenever anyone on Twitter mentions Chris Brown or his propensity for beating women, "Team Breezy" -- the appropriately moronic name of Brown's Internet peanut gallery -- likes to respond by threatening to beat up more women. For example, when model Chrissy Teigen made fun of Brown's lip-synching, she was immediately rewarded with hundreds of barely literate death threats.
Twitter
Thank God these kids aren't Milli Vanilli fans.
And hey: Blatant threats are actually the least creepy part, somehow. We haven't gotten to the legions of women who want Chris Brown to beat them up.
Twitter
Just imagine what their dads must say! Actually, there's no way any of them have active father figures.
What Happened:
New England Patriots player Aaron Hernandez was recently arrested for killing semi-pro player Odin Lloyd. He's also being investigated for a double murder in 2012. The ensuing trial and media circus will finally answer the question: "Just who exactly is this generation's O.J. Simpson?"
The Defense:
Naturally, a lot of Patriots fans immediately tried to get rid of their Hernandez memorabilia on eBay ... only to find out that other fans were just as eager to buy that shit up at higher prices. Turns out that execution-style murders are actually pretty good for your career, since Hernandez jerseys and bobbleheads (presumably) are now selling for several times their original price. Some autographed jerseys are already being resold for over $1,000.
eBay
"Perfect condition, except for mild brain matter stains under the arm."
Oh, and of course, the ladies love him.
Twitter
"How come no one says that about me?" -the fat guy who shot John Lennon
Jesus, people. Whatever happened to "Let's help him find the real killers"?
What Happened:
Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is currently facing 30 criminal charges due to his attack on this year's Boston Marathon, which killed three people and injured 264 others. This makes him a morally reprehensible character on basically every conceivable level, right?
The Defense:
Since the bombing, Tsarnaev's Twitter account has gained over 87,000 followers, a good chunk of which are adoring fans who call him "Jahar" and hope to get him released by posting terrible image macros on Tumblr. What evidence have they uncovered of his innocence? Well, uh ...
Twitter
Tumblr
Congratulations, Bronies! You are no longer the creepiest group on the Internet.
"He's cute." That's the main catalyst behind this movement. So, it turns out the unkempt beard was the only thing that kept tweens from swooning over Osama bin Laden. Some fans are even writing erotic fan fiction about the bomber.
Facebook
Please let this be for another Dzhokhar Tsarnaev.
Also, you might get the impression that #FreeJahar is all underage girls, but there are also some adult men -- like this asshole, who has been using a tragedy to promote his rap album and try to maneuver said girls into his hotel room.
Facebook
We're kind of amazed that he was able to type that legibly considering how far up his ass his head is.
J.F. Sargent tweets, blogs, Facebooks, and is writing a kickass science fiction novel that you can read for free.
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