The hip hop industry is a brutal game. Two or three years can be a lifetime in a rap career, and sooner or later most artists find themselves attaching their names to the most ridiculous shit imaginable (see: Vanilla Ice, cheese noodles) just to avoid having to get real jobs. It can be pretty difficult to locate your principles when doing a commercial for Hot Pockets or Burger King is the only thing standing between you and an entry-level position at Walmart.
Last week it was announced that Bow Wow will be teaming up with occasional NFL quarterback Michael Vick to bring the world WaveMasterz, a new line of exciting hair products including durags, brushes, and pomade. We feel this is a particularly fabulous idea considering that, up to this point, neither of their respective careers have had anything to do with hair care in any way. There is also the constant danger that Vick might be thrown into a violent flashback by Bow Wow's nickname and drown him in a pit in his backyard.
Dave Kotinsky/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
It's the Like Mike reboot only Satan asked for.
Diddy, the stupendous alter ego of mild-mannered Sean Combs, rode gallantly into multimillion-dollar superstardom on the coattails of superior rappers like an Iditarod champion on a sled made of metallic track suits.
Bad Boy Records
During the entire shooting of this video, he actually referred to Ma$e as Mu$h.
Now, a decade after becoming one of the wealthiest record producers in the history of entertainment, Diddy is using his considerable industry cred to sell us on the joys of Time Warner's cable and Internet services, with the help of Henry VIII and Jimmy Fallon, who for some reason are both hanging out in Diddy's palatial future mansion.
Because, clearly, watching TV all the time is what got Diddy to where he is today.
Snoop Dogg, also known as Snoop Doggy Dogg, Tha Doggfather, DJ Snoopadelic, Snoopzilla, and Bones from the groundbreaking motion picture of the same name, was the quintessential gangsta rap troubadour responsible for hits like "Gin and Juice," wherein he sings about the joys of having stoned, drunk sex in his mom's house.
But what's the D-O-Double G up to nowadays, you ask? Well, aside from changing his name to Snoop Lion and moderating Reddit's weed forum, he's teaching nerdy white men how to be both cool and thrifty in a commercial for a discount shopping website. He apparently saved this man so much money on his car insurance that he could afford to buy a Lamborghini with a cloaking device.
The women aren't real either. He's just masturbating in a turn lane.
After an array of hot women, tires screeching on the pavement, and a street party, Snoop Dogg shows up on the screen in a blue suit tighter than the one Spider-Man wears, reminding us to "Save Money" and "Feel Epic" by shopping on the Internet.
"I ain't Snoop lyin'."
Some readers may only recognize Ice-T from his role on Law & Order: SVU, so it may come as a surprise to learn that Ice-T is one of the most legitimately terrifying rappers to have ever existed. He got his start as an actual pimp on the actual streets, as he describes in this video, wherein he calls Prince a prostitute and asserts that the best pimp will force a woman to have sex for money until she is dead. He may or may not have used his Army training to rob several banks in the 1980s, and his biggest hit is "Cop Killer," which is a song about exactly what it sounds like.
Which he wrote while filming a movie where he played a cop.
Earlier this month, Ice-T spent two days recording the audiobook version of a new Dungeons & Dragons novel, because the casting director of said audiobook is one of the greatest heroes in American history. Ice-T was thoroughly baffled by the experience, claiming "Dungeons & Dragons is some of the most crazy, deep, deep, deep nerd shit ever invented ... this shit is impossible to read." You could print whatever combination of numbers you wanted on the price tag for this audiobook, and it would still be a pittance in exchange for the privilege of hearing Ice-T angrily narrate the exploits of a bunch of lute faeries and goblin chancellors. He insists that, given the current state of music, listening to a book is a much better investment of your time, and he truly seems to believe it, because recording a dramatic reading of a Dungeons & Dragons novel is literally the opposite of rap.
The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first $0.99 novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.