4 Disturbing Ways Restaurants Are Reinventing Thanksgiving

We know what you're thinking. "Hey, it's a jelly doughnut. Big whoop." Nope. That's not jelly at all -- it's turkey and cranberry sauce crammed inside a spiced pumpkin doughnut like some sort of organic pinata that hates you. And if that sounds slightly too appealing, they also offer it with fucking gravy instead of the cranberry. To recap: That's the sweet festive spiced pumpkin flavor that once wafted from your grandmother's house combined with the salty meat cream and the flesh of a bird. Your tongue's destined for a stroke.

And as if to somehow torment you, their third seasonal choice is a sweet potato doughnut with toasted marshmallow inside -- marshmallow being something that would totally go great in, say, a spiced pumpkin outer shell. But where would one find that?

When Providence's own Fellini Pizzeria decided to introduce a more festive option for a Thanksgiving-style pizza, they opted not to translate the dinner to fit the genre, but instead went with the process of dumping everything on a pizza like a drunken teenager at 1:00 a.m.

That beige fucker has turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy on it, along with a side of cranberry sauce that you're somehow expected to use as dip. Roll it into a burrito and you have a sleek, futuristic way to slide an entire day's worth of khaki calories directly into you like a sword swallower. The cranberry? It's a tarty lube for the ride down.

That's from Los Angeles' Fat Sal's sandwich shop, fittingly called a Fat Pilgrim. It's made up of turkey, cranberry sauce, and stuffing inexplicably coupled with french fries and mayo like it was put together by a 3-year-old. The worst part? It's only the second most horrifying sandwich we're going to show you ...

expressmilwaukee.com
This was the best photo they could take of it.

Meet the "Danksgiving Day" sandwich from American Euros in Milwaukee, a layering of deep-fried turkey, sweet potato fries, french-fried onions, mushroom sauce, green beans, and cherry-jalapeno-cranberry sauce, all between two "stuffing-flavored" buns. It's less of a "Thanksgiving leftover" and more of an "everything you found in your fridge the day after Thanksgiving, save baking soda" kind of sandwich.