If recent local news stories (and Breaking Bad) have taught us anything, it's that fast food restaurants have become centers of criminal enterprise. It makes sense, if you think about it -- somebody trading money for a mysterious paper sack is much less suspicious at a drive-thru window than on a street corner. However, the underworld masterminds behind this new fast food initiative have yet to iron all the kinks out of the process, and unsuspecting customers are finding all sorts of contraband thrown in with their Value Meals.
Three people stricken with late-night munchies in Kentwood, Michigan, decided to take a trip to their local Taco Bell drive-thru and were surprised to find a fat wad of cash totaling $3,600 in their bag instead of the fat wad of refried diarrhea they had anticipated. After some debate -- and presumably also after determining that they couldn't eat the money -- they returned the bag to the restaurant, at which point the cashier responsible broke down into grateful tears. It is unclear what magic combination of words the trio accidentally stumbled upon during their order to trigger this obvious ransom exchange.
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"Man, every time I eat here I end up dropping the kids at the pool."
A man in New York City allegedly bit into his Subway sandwich only to find his lips wrapped around the partially melted handle of a 7-inch knife baked into the bread. How a 7-inch knife could have remained unnoticed inside a 6-inch piece of bread that is shipped pre-frozen to Subway franchises and then cut in half by employees during the order-preparation process notwithstanding, the implications of the man's claim are staggering. Either he mistakenly picked up an order intended to be picked up by a prison guard to be smuggled inside Rikers Island for an assassination, or some zany Sandwich Artist was aiming to make the greatest "sharp cheddar" pun in recorded history.
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"Damn it, I should have done the Swiss/Swiss army knife one. Get your shit together, Marco."
A Chicago couple bought a McDonald's Happy Meal for their 8-year-old daughter only to discover a bag of weed, a lighter, and a pipe inside, because evidently the drive-thru staff was confused about the order in which marijuana and terrible cheeseburgers are typically consumed. Either that or they thought the couple had ordered a Filet-O-Phish.
Like the band, it's only enjoyable while on substances because it's devoid of any substance of its own.
The drugs belonged to a 17-year-old employee at the restaurant, who was subsequently fired and then arrested for accidentally giving his drugs to a pre-teen girl. To be fair to the shit-canned teenager, selling hamburgers by way of stoner visions was more or less McDonald's ad strategy back in the 1970s.
Two men went to the McDonald's on Savannah Highway in Charleston, South Carolina, for some chicken sandwiches, but after pulling away from the drive-thru window, they noticed they'd been handed one too many bags. So like absolutely every single one of us would have done, they looked inside the third bag to see what extra treat McDonald's had mistakenly bestowed upon them.
What they found sitting inside were two bags of marijuana and a loaded handgun.
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"Hey, did they order a .22, or did they super size to a .45?"
In a case of a bag man drop-off gone awry, the sack o' drugs and guns was actually meant for the car behind them. That car was full of real, actual criminals who proceeded to chase the two hapless bastards to a gas station and demand the return of their drug-dealing starter kit. Reports are uncertain as to whether they also took the bags containing the chicken sandwiches, but given their status as nefarious outlaws, we have to assume as much.