4 Technologies That Let Stalkers Have Virtual Sex With You

4

Match.com Will Find You Someone Who Looks Like Your Ex

So let's say you just broke up with your significant other and you want to get back into the dating scene, but you're horrifically superficial. The last person you dated was a perfect physical specimen, and you don't want to let that sculpture of genetic triumph go. Luckily, Match.com has teamed up with a Los Angeles matchmaking service called Three Day Rule to make it so you don't have to, provided your new partner can be convinced to suddenly start answering to a different name like a rescue pet and doesn't mind "looks like my high school girlfriend" being at the top of the list of compatible interests ...

Goran Bogicevic/iStock/Getty Images
"OK, I'm going to call you Bunny, and you call me Emotional Robot. It's a thing we did."

3

You Can Use Facial Recognition to Find a Porn Star Who Looks Like Your Ex

Let's say your relationship ended on a sour note, something so bad it made Ralph Kramden's constant threats to beat the shit out of his wife look like a stable relationship. Your feelings of anger, resentment, and failure shouldn't get in the way of remembering all your passionately intimate moments together, should it?

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"She never got that excited when I brought home spicy sausage pizza."

2

You Can Buy a Talking Robot That Projects Any Face You Want

If you find yourself suddenly single because you're the type of person who has completely forgotten how to communicate with other people in a socially acceptable manner, get yourself a SociBot-Mini. Otherwise, don't. There's literally no other reason to own this metal horror.

dazeddigital.com
It's not winking, it's trying to short circuit itself.

1

You Can Rent a Girlfriend to Talk to You on the Phone

For those of you who are missing the daily interaction your newly ended relationship used to provide but are unwilling to fill that void with robots and/or pornography, you can use a service like the ones offered through Chinese online superstore Taobao and hire a stand-in girlfriend to call you throughout the day to talk to you about your feelings.

wantchinatimes.com
Get ready to see that look a lot.

Telephone companionship costs around 20 to 30 yuan a day, which in U.S. currency is about three to five items off of the McDonald's dollar menu, and is at least as effective as absorbing tear-soaked sobs. Until, of course, you start blowing those calls off and she gets frustrated and breaks up with you, and you have to hire another girlfriend to replace the one you just hired. We assume this is built into their business model.

Andrew Burton/Getty Images News/Getty Images
You're basically choosing between heart break or heart attack.

The third part of XJ's epic science-fiction novel is out now on Amazon. The first 99 cent novella can be found here, with Part 2 out here. Or leave a review and get a free copy! Poke him on Twitter and follow him on Facebook.

For more stalker-friendly technology, check out 5 Apps That Were Clearly Designed by Total Creeps and 5 New Apps Explicitly Designed for Awful Human Beings.