Hugo Chavez is dead. Most of us will remember him as "that guy who hated the U.S.," but he was much, much more than that. Here are some of the best things we should remember this modern-day dictator for ...
After backpedaling from his 2010 statement that Twitter is "a tool of terrorism" (which only makes sense if the terrorists are trying to win by gluing the Western World to their phones), Hugo Chavez started taking the social networking site seriously when he began chemotherapy. And by "take seriously," we mean he ran the fucking government through Twitter. This included approving money for projects, trolling the rest of the world (always a cornerstone of the Chavez platform), praising plans for a new park, and getting really fucking upset at the results of a football match, one he watched with Fidel Castro, no less.
Chavez cheering on a football game in the way all Spanish-speaking people do: like your drunk uncle. And with Fidel Castro.
Back in 2011, Venezuelans were beginning to doubt Chavez's ability to run in the 2012 election because of his long-standing fight with cancer. And since anyone can talk bullshit and tell the world that they're fine up until they're on their deathbed, Chavez's response to this was simple: star in an exercise video.
"Where's your video, OBAMA?"
Unfortunately, Chavez's idea of exercise is similar to George R.R. Martin's idea of epic fantasy: a bunch of talking, and leaders who look like they have no idea what they're doing. So, nobody was fooled by the president's claims of good health. Even less so once he died.
Even with all of the issues a president has to deal with, Chavez decided to spend some of his time on women's breasts. Claiming that doctors were evil for "[convincing] some women that if they don't have some big bosoms, they should feel bad," Chavez absolutely hated giant silicone tits. To be fair, the man headed a country that is one of the world's leading markets for breast implants, with 30,000 to 40,000 surgeries per year. Venezuelan newspapers have claimed that breast implants are as common as dentist appointments, so maybe Chavez had a point.
"While we're at it, can I throw in a root canal?"
In 2011, Chavez was convinced that the U.S. had developed a way to induce cancer and that they had used it against him (and other leaders in the region). Much like his offensive tweets that he hoped wouldn't offend anyone, Chavez expressed his concerns with the disclaimer, "I don't want to make any reckless accusations." Smooth, Chavez. Smooth.
Peter Macdiarmid/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"Suck my Chavezticles, CIA cancer robots!"
And of course now that he's dead, those he left behind are resurfacing the old claims. The U.S. has denied these allegations, calling them absurd, but Chavez's evidence is pretty clear-cut. Chavez contracted cancer, Chavez blamed the U.S., cancer killed Chavez. The prosecution rests.