4 Terrible Movies That Want to Be the Next 'Avengers'

According to CBC News, "Facebook is teaming up with movie studio Lionsgate and author Stephenie Meyer to revive the Twilight franchise." Without hyperbole, this is probably the worst crime against humanity that Canada has ever reported on. The deal will produce five short films based on five Twilight characters, such as Shirtless Werewolf #3 and Evil Dakota Fanning, to be released on Facebook to the delight of abusive men and repressed women everywhere.

Summit Entertainment
Edward's body language in this picture accurately describes the entire series.

"We think Facebook is a great way for us to introduce the world of Twilight to a whole new audience while re-energizing existing fans," said a Lionsgate executive, somehow managing to keep a straight face while referring to a franchise that is six years old like it is the fucking Star Wars trilogy. So that means, in all likelihood, we can look forward to another handful of Twilight books and movies about angsty night creatures who don't actually need to exist in perpetual night because they sparkle in freaking daylight instead of bursting into unholy flames.

Universal is working on a Mummy reboot, and they're looking to include Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and pretty much any other recognizable monster that they don't have to pay for. We assume the Creature From the Black Lagoon will make an appearance. They decided to use the recently released Dracula Untold to get the ball rolling on their monster cinematic universe by teasing audiences with an Avengers-style post-credits sequence.

For those of you who didn't see Dracula Untold (read: everyone), the bulk of the film takes place during the Middle Ages, when Dracula gets juiced up with vampire powers and becomes the evil ghoul we all recognize. However, to set the stage for their upcoming slate of monster movies, Universal hastily added a final scene wherein Dracula is trolling through a modern-day marketplace and begins hitting on a woman named Mina (whom you may recognize as the heroine from Bram Stoker's original novel, or, alternately, as a member of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen). As the two characters inevitably leave together, the Master Vampire who gave Dracula his awesome powers suddenly appears and says, "Let the games begin," because immortal, centuries-old vampires apparently speak in hackneyed cliches.

Universal Studios
And look like Dobby in a Faces of Meth ad.

Of course, considering that not even Luke Evans' mother went to see Dracula Untold, Universal may be rethinking its monster-movie strategy.

Annabelle is the first of three planned "micro-budget" spinoffs intended to flesh out The Conjuring's universe (Annabelle was made for a downright conservative $6 million), all leading up to Conjuring sequels further detailing the (definitely embellished and probably false) exploits of ghost hunters Ed and Lorraine Warren. It's not clear what cases of the Warrens will be the focus of the sequels (though we imagine they'll skip the Amityville Horror), or what random background item from the first film will provide the plotlines for the spinoffs. There's plenty of haunted bullshit like the Annabelle doll that the Warrens inexplicably keep locked in a room in their house, so we imagine they'll just pick something at random and pay a creative-writing graduate a pile of beans to script a bunch of boos around it.

Warner Bros.
"Hey, we already made $200 million on a movie about this fucking thing."

If for some reason that doesn't strike you as ridiculous, try this miniature pair of denim overalls on for size: the creator of the Child's Play franchise wants to see a movie about Chucky and Annabelle either doing battle or teaming up to murder grown adults who for some reason cannot overpower them. While this is unlikely to happen, we would be remiss if we didn't point out that the only reason this is unlikely to happen is because the two movies are owned by different studios, and any crossover attempt would get tangled up in miles of red tape.

On the off chance that you're holding on to a shred of optimism about this project because you're a fan of the irreverent 1973 Disney cartoon adaptation and/or Alan Rickman's genre-defying comedic performance as the Sheriff of Nottingham in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, allow us to set all of your good will on fire with a single quote: "The tone of the story has been described as Mission: Impossible and the recent Fast & Furious movies."

Paramount Pictures

Universal Studios
"So like this but with horses, basically."

Yep. We're going to be treated to a relentless series of films about a team of AXEd-up douchebags spouting anachronistic quips while committing absurd capers in the Middle Ages.

That's like Sony taking all the worst parts from Young Guns and The Newton Boys and turning it into a movie, then realizing that Wild Wild West already came out and making a movie about Robin Hood instead.

You can read more from Mark, including his pitch to give God a gritty new origin story, at his website.

For more astoundingly bad ideas, see 6 Upcoming Movies That Are Completely Doomed.