4 Apps That Will Soon Make Dating Creepy as Hell

4

Jerk Off a Stranger in Another City Through the Magic of the Internet

For those who are unfamiliar with the concept of teledildonics and somehow can't infer its meaning from that crowning achievement in nomenclature (which we swear we didn't just make up), a quick explanation: they're sex toys that can be controlled remotely from potentially huge distances. Ain't nothin' wrong with that -- long-distance relationships are increasingly common in today's society, and people have needs. But what if you're single and you still want someone else directing your jerk-off sessions for some reason? That's where LovePalz (literally) comes in.

LovePalz
As BetaBeat points out, it's always awkward when you find your identical twin on a cyber-sex site.

The Taiwan-based company not only manufactures the distance-fucking devices, they've created a social network to match users with each other so they can plug in and get plugged. It works just like Tinder, in that you choose people you find attractive and get a notification if the feeling is mutual, except instead of all that tedious conversation and actual boob-touching, you just go straight for the crotch without ever leaving the comfort of your sticky keyboard.

LovePalz
Hopefully they pay their "making sure these things don't explode" experts more than they pay their translators.

Of course, there's no reason you have to virtually bone your new friend -- LovePalz spokeswoman Viv Lu points out that the app also offers "social activities, chatting, [and] video conferencing" features. Like, maybe your new friend can help you grind some tomatoes through your Internet-connected dildo. Forgive us for being skeptical, though. If this really is, as she puts it, "the evolution of social networking," we're converting to creationism.

3

Use Your Apple Watch to Hook Up (With Serial Killers)

There's a lot to complain about when it comes to online dating -- the poorly spelled five-word messages, the dick pics, the more dick pics, the seriously how many dick pics can you send? etc. However, we can all agree that the real disadvantage is that none of these weirdos know where you are right now. Close Encounter, by the people who brought us the app 3nder (for all your threesome needs) has taken care of that, and why wouldn't you trust a company that named its other app the same way boy bands name themselves?

When you load this anonymous dating app, you're greeted with an interface that looks unsettlingly like the view from a gun sight:

3nder
Maybe next time don't commission the graphics to SPECTRE.

Those red dots represent other users, or "humans," as the app creepily insists on calling them. You can tap on them to view their profiles, which specifically exclude photos so you get the full thrill of having zero idea who the person you're about to fuck is.

3nder
"Interests: Movies, Serial Killing, How Do You Delete Interests."

Then you tap the heart or the international "nope" symbol as desired, and if you both select each other based on this scant information, the app sets you up on an impromptu blind date by showing you where they are. With exact directions and all. It leaves a bloody trail right to you.

3nder
They misspelled "Whoops! Watch out!"

To be fair, before a match is determined, your location is intentionally misplaced -- all they know is that you're somewhere in the area. Still, the potential for a murderous game of Hot and Cold seems unacceptably high. Then again, if you're the kind of person who owns an Apple Watch, you've already accepted an excessive level of psychopathy into your life.

2

An App for Snuggling With Strangers Is Totally Not Creepy

In an increasingly virtual world, it can be all too easy to overlook the healing power of human touch. Obviously, the best way to establish that intimate connection is to order it like a pizza. Enter Cuddlr, an app for people who spend all their time scrolling Facebook without pants on wondering why no one wants to spoon them while they try to find other people in the same situation and suddenly understand the answer to their question.

Cuddlr
In our day, we just went up to a hobo and force-hugged him. And we liked it, dammit.

As you log in and start sifting through photos of other people who are desperately seeking snuggles, you'll notice that Cuddlr profiles include no age or gender information. Profile pictures should help keep you from accidentally spooning someone of your non-preferred gender, but since the app is rated 17 and up, you may very well end up fondling a minor.

Cuddlr
"I'll bring candy."

When you find someone who looks sufficiently squishy, you shine the Hug Signal, to which they have 15 minutes to respond before it disappears. Oh yes, this is for emergency cuddle situations. Cuddlr found(e)r Charlie Williams concedes that this might lead to awkwardness: "It's possible that you'll discover a mismatch here -- both people only want to be the little spoon, say -- in which case you can compromise or call off the cuddle."

Cuddlr
"Or maybe he wants to cut off your face and wear it as a hat, and you don't want that. Different strokes."

One reviewer confirmed that it's entirely likely your cuddle quest will only make you feel even more pathetic when you can't find a match, and also that people are indeed using it as a hookup service and inviting unsuspecting lonely-hearts into their homes to check out their guns, and we don't mean their sweet biceps. To his credit, Williams scolded her for meeting her match for a private nuzzle right away, because it's not like the app's ad presented that as an option or anything.

Cuddlr
"No, no, we meant in the privates."

1

There's an App to Document Sexual Consent

Obtaining consent from a sexual partner is very important, but you know what's apparently also important? Obtaining a notarized record of that consent. That's where Good2Go comes in.

After observing that young people are "very aware" of concerns about sexual assault but "confused about what to do," Lee Ann Allman created the app so people who lack the emotional maturity to have a conversation with the person they're about to swap bodily fluids with can bone with a clean conscience. When you get the feeling that the situation is about to turn severely naked, you boot up the app and hand your phone to your partner. After they peer in confusion at the screen reading "Are we Good2Go?" you'll know right away that you're about to stick your dick in crazy if she doesn't book it right there, so that's one upside. They then choose from the answers "No, Thanks," "Yes, but ... we need to talk," or "I'm Good2Go."

Good2Go
"And if she leaves, you can just use that hand grip in other ways."

The app then inquires about your level of intoxication, and if you're somehow both way too drunk to fuck and also have the presence of mind to admit it, the app is terminated and no sex happens ever, swearsies. If all systems are go, the complicated process of signing up for your own account or entering your account info, confirming your identity on your own phone, and linking the transaction to both accounts begins, creating a record for both partners that they super-double-pinkie-promised they want to bone.

Good2Go
"Please solve the following equation to prove you're real (with your penis)."

While it might seem effective in that no one could possibly still be in the mood after this process, there are some terrifying potential legal ramifications here (which could be why the app was recently yanked for an overhaul). It did remind the user that their partner has the right to change their mind at any time, in which case ... what, exactly? What would happen if a victim changed her mind and her attacker accused her of lying, using the app as evidence? What if she were already dead-wasted and the Good2Goer signed her up using her phone? The solution is obvious: when the app is re-released next spring, it should come with another app to get your consent before you use the consent app.

Or just stay home and wank to YouPorn, like God intended.

Manna's Twitter is nothing but good clean fun.

For more dystopian dating services, check out 4 Creepy Dating Apps That Actually Exists.