It's Happiness Week at Cracked, which means we're taking a few days to celebrate those things that don't make us regret living in a universe subject to probabilities seemingly calculated by an invisible, omniscient serial killer. And high on our list -- before "the nitrogen cycle" and after "thumbs" -- sits "heartwarming local news stories about ducks."
Don't get us wrong: Most local news is vacuous crap. But fuck it -- we want a Kremlin-to-Pentagon-style hotline manned by a smoky-voiced ornithologist ringing us every time ducklings are reported rescued from a storm drain. And as this happens once every 15 minutes, we'd never sleep (and spend the rest of our days trapped in a cuddly living death).
Totally worth it.
Yes, duck news is the perfect news, and may single-handedly justify 99 percent of the cross-eyed pablum farted out by the 24-hour news cycle. But what makes a good duck story more addictive than a speedball cut with the adrenal glands of Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Well ...
3 Ducks Are the Roombas of the Animal Kingdom
Much like Shakespearean sonnets or kabuki theater, there are distinct narrative components to fuckin'-A grade duck news. First off, we need the ducks. They're mostly autonomous until they accidentally wander into shit. (See: the aforementioned storm drains, highways, police chases.)
Devourer of flocks of ducklings and keys of drunklings.