That's like an unfathomable alien intelligence ripping off your roof and offering to wipe your ass every time you're marooned without toilet paper. Here's another example. We're going to level with you -- this article may be an excuse to discuss the most magnificently insane local news story in recent memory: "Ducks Make Home at Local Credit Union." Take a second and let that headline marinate.
At first blush, "Ducks Make Home at Local Credit Union" is about nothing -- a family of ducks that lives in a Utah credit union's parking lot. But the mere presence of ducks causes the reporter to lose his mind.
While retaining the ability to make more duck/bank puns than any man dared before. Like four.
Three minutes are devoted to the segment. A half-dozen bystanders are interviewed about the waterfowl. The words "the interest rate may be high for what's low in the reeds" are said by an actual human. So are the phrases "a great deposit of caring" and "some ducks on loan from nature." It's the poetry of a man with Stendhal syndrome.
Duck News Represents an Ideal World
If it weren't for the reporter's refusal to divulge the credit union's location (out of a vague fear of duck harassment), "Ducks Make Home at Local Credit Union" could be mistaken for a transmission from a world where disease, war, and poverty were eradicated and humanity ran out of shit to talk about.
"So my brother's hoping they turn out to be stiff tails, while I'm pulling for eiders. My mother, on the other hand ..."