The Sample Subjects Were, Ahem, Unique
Who were the three pillars of society this paper rested upon? A 51-year-old crack addict, a 29-year-old meth addict, and a 30-something woman who drank 2 liters of diet soda a day for five years. It's also necessary to mention that Miss Morlock Mouth up there hadn't seen a dentist in two decades, which probably didn't help her smile not look like Tutankhamen's. So yeah, this study wasn't dealing with your average aspartame guzzler. Seriously, all they needed was a dude who huffs diesel and another guy who gets dizzy after holding his breath for too long and the research team could've summoned a sickly Captain Planet made of downmarket addictions.
"You floss with Red Vines? We'd like to ask you a few questions."
If You Drink 2 Liters of Soda a Day, You Have Worse Problems
We hate to break it to you, but if you're drinking 2 liters of anything other than water per day every day for five fucking years, you're almost definitely going to see some adverse side effects -- and dental hygiene will be the least of your worries. Several studies -- all with more participants than a purple vampire on Sesame Street can count to -- have documented the association of diet soda with serious vascular, respiratory, and weight problems.