3 More News Stories The Media Pulled Out Of Their Asses

The erotic revelation, mentioned in a report issued by Ohio's authorities, led CNN to ask: "Did Ohio kidnapper Ariel Castro die in a sex act?" It's a fair question, answered the exact same day by CNN with a resounding "No." The report in question does mention the idea that he might have been having a choke-a-thon, but the coroner later confirmed that his pants had simply fallen off while he did himself in -- a moral victory for auto-erotic asphyxiation enthusiasts everywhere who didn't want to be associated with such human filth.

The controversy was picked up by sites like MSN.com and the Huffington Post, because who could resist the delicious irony in some spoiled socialite tanking her own luxurious existence? The only thing they didn't bother to check is what Jeane Napoles actually looks like:

facebook.com/pages/Jeane-Lim-Napoles
But to be fair, this was hidden all the way in the profile picture of the same Facebook post.

Additionally, most people don't put stock photo watermarks on pictures of themselves. The picture wasn't even posted by the real Napoles, but by a hate page using her name. Yes, this was the equivalent of reporting that @RealObama69 tweeted "lol i pooped."

The flurry of outraged RTs and favs over the government's child abduction Amber Alert webpage going offline during the shutdown led The Washington Examiner to claim that Obama will "use missing children to gain political points." Meanwhile, as the author of that article was typing that sentence with his fists, two Amber Alerts went off in Florida and Texas -- because the programs are ran by each state, and Obama couldn't shut them down if Satan and Karl Marx personally asked him to. Yes, believe it or not, organizations don't automatically stop existing if their website goes dark.

ojp.usdoj.gov
"ATTENTION CITIZENS: You may now deal out whatever Judge Dredd-style street justice you deem appropriate."