The Most Brutal Curse Tablets Ever Discovered

As we've pointed out before, ancient people were just as messed up as we are. Instead of Twitter, they had curse tablets: ancient shitposters would lay out a petty grievance, suggest a gruesome punishment, then toss it in a pit with a bunch of other complaints.

Someone stole your boots? Curse tablet. Mad at your neighbor? Curse tablet! A little horny? You know that's a curse tablet!

They were generally scrawled on a sheet of soft metal, but we wanted to give them the carved-in-stone treatment, as befits such timeless rage. Here are real quotes from the most brutal curse tablets ever chiseled:


Crush, kill Fistus the senator, May Fistus dilute, languish, sink and may all his limbs dissolve, Sorry, you didn't say Simon Says. a BO dirs w YA PSource


Gaia, Hermes, Gods of the Underworld, receive Venusta, slave of Rufus, That's ancient Greek for go to hell, Venusta! NOAAS Pofey AN Itias DToto GOFKSource


May he who carried off Vilbia from me become as liguid as water, Vilbia is either his girlfriend or a pointed tool. The water thing definitely referSource


I curse Tretia Maria and her life and mind and memory and liver and lungs mixed UP together, and her words, thoughts, and memorys thus may she be unabSource


Biccus gives Mercury whatever he has lost that the thief may not urinate mor defecate nor speak nor sleep MOr stay awake nor have well-being or healthSource


Lady Nemesis, I give thee a cloak and a pair of boots; let him who wore them not redeem them except with his life and blood, ...or with proof of purchSource


Tacita, hereby accursed, is labelled old liKe putrid gorer Nice try, but Tacita doesn't believe in labels. 0 Vol atiediiixs -1-4.1AD CRACKEDCON Source


May your penis hurt when you make love, If it doesn't already hurt... then you're doin' it wrong. CRACKEDCON Source


Join belly to belly, thigh to thigh, black to black, Bring her thigh close to his, her genitals close to his in unending intercourse for all the time Source