The Most Brutal Curse Tablets Ever Discovered

As we've pointed out before, ancient people were just as messed up as we are. Instead of Twitter, they had curse tablets: ancient shitposters would lay out a petty grievance, suggest a gruesome punishment, then toss it in a pit with a bunch of other complaints.

Someone stole your boots? Curse tablet. Mad at your neighbor? Curse tablet! A little horny? You know that's a curse tablet!

They were generally scrawled on a sheet of soft metal, but we wanted to give them the carved-in-stone treatment, as befits such timeless rage. Here are real quotes from the most brutal curse tablets ever chiseled:

9

Crush, kill Fistus the senator, May Fistus dilute, languish, sink and may all his limbs dissolve, Sorry, you didn't say Simon Says. a BO dirs w YA PSource

8

Gaia, Hermes, Gods of the Underworld, receive Venusta, slave of Rufus, That's ancient Greek for go to hell, Venusta! NOAAS Pofey AN Itias DToto GOFKSource

7

May he who carried off Vilbia from me become as liguid as water, Vilbia is either his girlfriend or a pointed tool. The water thing definitely referSource

6

I curse Tretia Maria and her life and mind and memory and liver and lungs mixed UP together, and her words, thoughts, and memorys thus may she be unabSource

5

Biccus gives Mercury whatever he has lost that the thief may not urinate mor defecate nor speak nor sleep MOr stay awake nor have well-being or healthSource

4

Lady Nemesis, I give thee a cloak and a pair of boots; let him who wore them not redeem them except with his life and blood, ...or with proof of purchSource

3

Tacita, hereby accursed, is labelled old liKe putrid gorer Nice try, but Tacita doesn't believe in labels. 0 Vol atiediiixs -1-4.1AD CRACKEDCON Source

2

May your penis hurt when you make love, If it doesn't already hurt... then you're doin' it wrong. CRACKEDCON Source

1

Join belly to belly, thigh to thigh, black to black, Bring her thigh close to his, her genitals close to his in unending intercourse for all the time Source

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