"So the DMV told me to try going to Social Security, and getting my card reissued under my birth name."
Though that came with the obvious downside of giving up a sweet-ass name like King Kagle, at least it was a solution.
Unfortunately, by that time, terrorists had fucked everything up, and fucked him up, specifically, in one very specifically fucked up way. After the 9/11 attacks, the Real ID Act required states to follow rigorous Social Security Number verification practices when issuing a driver's license or identity card. Because if you let a terrorist obtain a fake ID, the next thing you know, he'll be using that ID to get a credit card. Then he'll use that credit card to get some Nikes, and if he gets some Nikes, he'll want to stuff them with plastic explosives and now you've gone and created a nightmare version of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie.
If you give him the explosives, he'll ask for 40 virgins ...
After applying for a new Social Security card through the mail, Kagle received a reply stating that he needed to send in a copy of his photo ID, which was obviously not an option, or stop by the nearest Social Security Administration office.
"The nice lady there ran my details through the computer and, lo and behold, told me that I was issued a card at birth. I could have a card reissued under my birth name for a price ... but only if I provided a valid photo ID. That was my first Catch-22: No ID until names match, no matching names until ID."
It's a wallet, not a magician's hat. He can't just "Abracadabra!" that shit.
The nice Social Security lady then suggested he try the courthouse, at which point we assume she began vigorously making armpit farts until he sighed and trudged away in defeat. "I get to the courthouse and learn that they can fix all my problems ... for $300 plus surcharges."
That was a problem at the time, because while a few hundred smackaroos may not sound like all that much to the wealthy elites we assume comprise the bulk of our readership, to a guy like Kagle, it was a golden unicorn that shat diamonds. Without an ID, he couldn't get a job, leaving his family of four living on $400 a month, the blessing of income-based rent, and good intentions.