I Had A Vasectomy (It Didn't Take): 5 Ugly Realities
Every year about 600,000 men and women choose to cut their own cords and either have a vasectomy or get their tubes tied. It's a routine procedure these days, but when a population the size of Milwaukee is getting sterilized every year, a few hiccups will happen. We spoke with Allen Singer, who underwent a vasectomy and told us about it in gut-wrenching detail.
It Can Be Surprisingly Painful
Prior to getting a vasectomy, all you'll hear about is how painless it is. You're supposed to stroll into a doctor's office and half an hour later you're shooting more blanks than a Civil War reenactment. Sounds great, right?
Though if puffs of smoke start coming out of your penis, you should probably go back to your doctor.
Fact is, they leave out a lot of details. Painful details. No matter how comfortable you think you are with having a scalpel in your scrotum, you're wrong. I was wrong. I couldn't stop shaking, even after popping a few pills to calm me down, and jiggling junk can be a problem for a doctor who has to be very precise with his snipping.
I also was not made aware of the shots I'd need, or how much pain would be involved ahead of time. You need three shots into your genitals so that they'll be pain-free for the duration of the procedure. I'm trying to think of a good analogy for the pain of getting a shot in the sack, but my most severe pain analogy is "like a needle in the ball sack," and that's less than helpful in this case.
This. They do this.
I ended up needing to be put under for an actual surgery (which insurance conveniently doesn't cover). Many people can get a vasectomy no problem, but if your pain threshold is lower, you get the surgery. Up to 20 percent of men experience chronic genital pain for several months, even years after the vasectomy. Sack up buddy, we're only just getting started.
The Side Effects Are Horrifying
Because you just had ol' Harry Balzac sliced open, you're going to need a special jockstrap. When you take it off and look inside, it's fully of bloody gauze and ice, like the aftermath of a subpar blowjob from a White Walker. You're not allowed to take the strap off except to add ice for about two days.
"You ingrate. Every Thanksgiving I have to listen to my jockstrap father go on about
how my brothers are big stars in the NFL."
That wouldn't be so bad if your balls didn't ooze for days. Your ball sweat forces blood and pus out of your pores. The day after the procedure I started pissing blood. Frantically calling the doctor, you know, because I'm pissing blood, I was informed that this is 100 percent normal. What's not normal: Failing to inform me about it ahead of time. What was even worse was seeing blood in my ejaculate. Yup, for a few weeks following the procedure my jizz looked like IHOP's strawberry pancake syrup. Again, I immediately picked up the phone and was informed by an increasingly aggravated clinic operator that bloody semen is once again totally goddamned normal.
"Yes sir; nonstop terror screaming for the rest of your life is also typical."
A little heads-up (pun intended, jerkwads) would have been appreciated.
You Can Still Impregnate Somebody
Even though you may have sealed off one side of the dam, you need to drain the other. After three months of bloody wanks (oh, to be 12 years old again), you've still got about a 40 percent chance of having enough functional spunk to have an accidental baby.
On the upside, any sperm tough enough to survive that is gonna make one badass toddler.
All right, say you clear out all the gunk from your junk. Time to get back to bangin', right? Well, there's still the 1 in 100 chance that your vasectomy failed. While that's low, the large number of vasectomies performed every year means that there are thousands of couples risking unplanned pregnancies.
Fortunately for my wife and I, we had the doctor run a check soon after the procedure. And it held! Unfortunately for many others, their first snip doesn't take. So yes, many people need to get a second goddamned vasectomy.
Reversing It Might Not Take
Your wife's sister just had a baby. Now your wife has to have one too, and so help you God she needs it to be cuter and, if it comes down to it, to beat the shit out of that other baby in an adorable sack race. So you have your vasectomy reversed. The good news is that there's about a 95 percent chance you can successfully reverse it. The bad news is that they are further mangling your already disastrous balls.
"Your scrotum will never heal closed again after this,
but that's what duct tape is for, amiright?"
After a vasectomy, antibodies will sometimes get this crazy idea that sperm cells are bad and try to get rid of them (much like you did, once upon a time). These antibodies will attack sperm like they're flu viruses -- effectively making you sterile again, but in a newer and more horrible way.
Even if your little tadpole warriors successfully defend their pond, things can get worse. That Battle Of The Bulge you just fought will force your body to send large quantities of fluid to your scrotum, filling it up like a water balloon. The only way to fix it is by draining it, which requires yet another incision. They can remove up to seven ounces. That's about half of a water bottle, jammed sideways inside of your nut pouch.
Pictured: possibly your genitals.
It's The Better Option, But Professionals Still Try To Talk You Out Of It
Anyone under 30 who wants to divert the ol' man-river will have a doctor try to talk them out of it. I went in at 44 and still got the procreation pitch. You have to give the right reasons for wanting a heir-cut. If you go in and say you're worried about accidentally spreading bad genes or overpopulation, nobody is going to take you seriously in the slightest. Even though a vasectomy is reversible, saying, "I hate children and their weird, sticky little hands," is really the only surefire way to get a doctor to give you one.
"Unless you can make a womb that spits out free time and disposable income, we've made our choice."
Which is weird, because of the two permanent solutions, the vasectomy is by far the better option. While a guy theoretically doesn't even have to be put under and it can all be wrapped up in half an hour, tube-tying is a major surgery that involves cutting a woman's abdomen open. Our doctor sat us down to talk about the options. When it got to tube-tying, he started explaining that the procedure involves a metal rod navigating organs and other vital functions. That's when my wife and I both simultaneously responded: "We'll go with the vasectomy."
"Oh cool, is that a piercing?"
Complications are also significantly worse, and there's still a chance of failure -- about 1 in 200 -- which means all the pain and damage she went through would be for nothing. Plus, unlike vasectomies, a reversal will damage her reproductive system so badly that chances at pregnancy will drop dramatically.
So while male sterilization can be painful and horrifying, it's still the best procedure we have for now. Even if, for a brief amount of time afterward, your life becomes a porno directed by Wes Craven.
Some people don't have a choice when it comes to genital functionality. See what we mean in 6 Things You Learn When Your Penis / Vagina Doesn't Work and 5 Insane Things You Experience With A Duplicate Vagina.
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