The coyotes took us to this ramshackle hideout made of wood. It looked like the kind of place an ax murderer would use as a vacation home. Sometime around 1:00 a.m., we woke up to be told that there were border guards patrolling with machine guns nearby, and we had to be quiet.
"They'll shoot first, and they don't ask questions."
To this day, I have no idea if they were just fucking with us or not, but we sure shut the hell up. Pro Tip for new parents: If you want your kids to quiet down, convince them armed soldiers will murder them for speaking. It works!
Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
"Uh-oh, looks like Shanksgiving might be coming early this year."
We also had to use coyotes on the trip from Honduras to Guatemala, but my mom was running low on funds at that point. Thankfully, she met this really nice guy who also just happened to coyote from time to time. He was a pretty cheerful dude, with a nice wife and four kids. He was the Ned Flanders of international crime. (Remember, I said some people that smuggle human beings for a living weren't very nice. Some are just delightful.) They took us into their home for a week while they gathered supplies and people to cross the border with us.