This Is the ‘Righteous Gemstones’ Line That Was Too Filthy for Edi Patterson to Deliver

God immediately responded with a torrential downpour, seemingly in total agreement with her

Authors: By Tara Ariano
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 1

‘Deadloch’ Is the Best Australian Crime Drama Spoof You Will Probably Never Watch, But Should

Plus: the five other Australian comedies you should sample this summer (aka their winter)

Authors: By Tara Ariano
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 0

13 Headlines We Must Warn The Past About; Quick, Into The Time Machine, There’s No Time To Explain

Science has found that NYC is literally slowly sinking into the ground.

Authors: By Andres Diplotti, Andrea Meno
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 4

The Real-Life BFFs Behind ‘This Fool’s Quarreling Cousins

Chris Estrada and Frankie Quiñones discuss making the Hulu comedy authentic, how stand-up road life informs their characters’ chemistry and their surprisingly strong Minnesota fanbase

Authors: By Tara Ariano
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 1

13 Accomplishments in the History of Vulgarity

Bleepity bleep, we love a good bleepin’ story about bleeps!

Authors: By Jay L'Ecuyer, Andres Diplotti
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 2

30 Bonkers Historical Facts Our Social Studies Teachers Neglected To Mention

By:: Jesse; Cracked Writers

August 01, 2021

30 Bonkers Historical Facts Our Social Studies Teachers Neglected To Mention

We live in a world where a baboon enlisted in the South African army. So why in the HELL did we spend so much time memorizing every United States vice president??

30

Astronauts reported Santa BETTER WATCH OUT CRACKED.CO In December 1965, astronauts aboard Gemini 6A reported a UFO, with its pilot wearing a red suit. Then they rang bells and played Jingle Bells on the harmonica. — Source: Smithsonian

29

The US dropped 8 million tons of bombs during the Vietnam War. CRACKED.COM Laos alone got more than 2 million tons of explosives, more than the US dropped worldwide during the entirety of World War II. — Source: Smithsonian

28

Abandoned Rear HOLY SHIT Ahendonal Reiv Whis IM walk GRACKED.CO In World War I, French villagers mistook a latrine pit labeled Abandoned Rear for an American grave. Decades later, they still maintained and honored the grave. — Source: George S. Patton: On Guts, Glory, and Winning

27

Storming the resort NOT OMAHA BEACH CRACKED.COM Instead of the Rock of Gibraltar, Royal Marines in a 2002 exercise stormed a Spanish beach resort. How they mistook it for the nearby 1,000-foot hill is a mystery. — Source: The Guardian

26

Over 400 Black politicians held office during Reconstruction. CRACKED.COM These included secretaries of state, mayors, congressmen and (briefly) even one governor. Twelve different former slaves made it to Congress, often representing ack-majority districts. — Source: Smithsonian

25

The foot powder mayor RAN A CLEAN CAMPAIGN VISE FRESCANTE ULVAPIES deo PRESCANTE ULVAPIES Talco dec REFRESCANTE ULVAPIES deol PREVENTIVO Tdeo ENTIVO CRACKED.COM PREVENTIVO In 1967, an Ecuadorian foot powder company advertised, If you want well-being and hygiene, vote for Pulvapies. They got enough write-in votes to win the election. — Source: NY Times

24

400, 000 Muslims fought for Britain in WWI. CRACKED.COM Britain's Indian troops also included 800,0 Hindus and 100, 000 Sikhs, but the Muslim contribution surprised modern Brits the most, when they learned it during the war's recent centenary. — Source: BBC

23

The Three Popes POPE VS ANTIPOPE TIT! CRACKED.C When a pope returned the papacy to Rome from France, the French elected a pope of their own. Then the cardinals elected a third, but the other two refused to step down. — Source: BBC

22

Only five states had no lynchings from 1882 to 1968. GRACKED.COM Those states were Alaska, Rhode Island, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, and Connecticut. (The Chicago Tribune started tracking stats in 1882, and the Tuskegee Institute stopped in 1968.) — Source: Washington Post

21

Joseph Sepp Bellend Blatter CLOSE TO BALLS CRACKED .COM The FIFA president received an award in this name. But Bellend wasn't really his name. Someone had just edited his wikipedia article. Bellend is slang for penis. — Source: The Guardian

20

A plague killed half the world's population. CRACKED .COM There's some debate, but upper estimates of the sixth-century Justinianic Plague's death toll make it much worse than the Black Death, which killed only a quarter of people worldwide. — Source: National Geographic

19

The Shortest War NOT THE 100-YEAR WAR CRACKED COM In 1896, a British warship fired on Suitan Khalid's palace in Zanzibar. By 9:40am, he lowered his flag. And SO ended the Anglo- - Zanzibar War, which lasted 38 minutes. — Source: Daily Telegraph

18

Civil War generals were 50% liklier to die than privates. CRACKED .COM Unlike modern warfare, generals back then had to lead by example, by being the first person to charge into battle, on an easily targeted horse. — Source: The American Surgeon

17

The Kettle War SALTY SAILORS CRACKED .COM In 1784, Austria attacked the Dutch by sea. A small Dutch ship fired a single shot, which toppled a kettle of soup, soaking the Austrians and making them surrender. — Source: British Museum

16

Pre-Columbian American cities were huge. GRACKEDO Lower estimates of the population of Tenochtitlan (in what's today Mexico City) put it at 200,000, putting it among the top three biggest cities in the world. Higher estimates peg it at 400,000. — Source: Smithsonian

15

The Cornfield Bomber F-106 DELTA DART 5.AIR FORCE CRACKED In 1970, pilot Gary Foust ejected after his jet entered a flat spin at 15,000 feet. The jet, on its own, recovered, landed smoothly in a field, then returned to service. — Source: Air Force Mag

14

Brazil received four million African slaves. CRACKED.COM That's during the entire Atlantic Slave Trade and was over ten times the number that went to the United States. When Brazil abolished slavery in 1888, 40 percent of Rio were slaves. — Source: The Guardian

13

Corporal Jackie IT WAS EARTH ALL ALONG CRACKED COM During World War I, a baboon named Jackie was enlisted in the South African Infantry Brigade. Among other things, he would stand at attention and salute superior officers. — Source: The Guardian

12

Germans have made up the bulk of US immigrants. CRACKED.COM Between 1870 and 2000, seven million immigrants to the US were Germans, making them the country that sent the most people during this time. — Source: Library of Congress

11

The Swiss invasion NOT SO NEUTRAL CRACKED.COM The Swiss keep accidentally invading Liechtenstein. Okay, invading might be a strong word, but their army has illegally crossed the border in 1985, 1992, and 2007. — Source: The Guardian

10

Gandhi had huge support among Chinese people. CRACKED.COM When his non-violent movement started, one in nine protesters were Chinese. By 1911? His imprisoned supporters included more Chinese than Indians. — Source: National Gandhi Museum

9

The Lonely Tree FAILED DRIVING TEST CRACKED.COM The Tree of Tenere in Niger stood totally isolated in the desert, the only landmark in 250 miles for 300 years. Until 1973, when a truck managed to crash into it. — Source: Smithsonian

8

Only two Wall Street people leapt off buildings in '29. EXCHANGE STOCK CRACKED.COM And only one was stock broker, a despite the myth of scores of brokers jumping to their deaths. In fact, the suicide rate in New York dropped from where it had been when the market was better. — Source: Washington Post

7

Battle of Chosin Reservoir footsie HOW MANY LICKS Roll Tootsie CRACKED.COM US Marines faced thousands of Chinese in North Korea and radioed for mortar shells, using the codeword Tootsie rolls. HQ misunderstood and dropped actual Tootise rolls. — Source: Chicago Sun Times

6

Women owned 40% of property in Sparta. CRACKED.COM Sparta, unlike a whole lot of places at the time, had an inheritance system where the deceased would split their property among all their children, both sons and daughters. — Source: Economics of Governance

5

Washington crossing the Delaware INSPIRATIONAL WORDS CRACKED COM Okay, you heard it happened, but rarely are his words to Col. Henry Knox quoted: Shift that fat ass, Harry. But slowly, or you'll swamp the damned boat! — Source: Patriots: The Men Who Started The American Revolution

4

D-Day was more a British operation than American. CRACKED Eisenhower commanded Allied forces, but D-Day had 892 British warships and only 200 American ones, 800 British planes to 400 American ones, 113,0 000 British naval men to 53,000 Americans. — Source: CNN

3

The Viking Hastein GET HELP the CRACKED.co COM Hastein entered a Roman city by arriving on a stretcher with his men asking for aid. The Romans let them through the gates, then the Vikings sacked the city. — Source: A History of the Vikings

2

CHINA lost 20 million people to World War II. CRACKED.COM Russia's loss is often overlooked, but China's is far more overlooked and is nearly as big. China's civilian toll, at 16 million, was even more than Russia's. — Source: CNN

1

Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna LEGENDARY CRACKED.CO Mexico's 8th president needed his leg amputated when the French shot a cannon at him. He gave the leg a full state funeral (then protesters dug it up again). — Source: Chicago Tribune

Scroll down for the next article

Must Read

10 ‘Simpsons’ Jokes That Have Become Embarrassingly Outdated

Just cause the show lasts forever, doesn’t mean the jokes do

Authors: By Neil Arsenty
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 9

20 Hilarious Tweets and TikToks That Wormed Their Way into Our Brain This Week

After three beers, Peter Griffin becomes your father

Authors: By Ian Garner
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 0

12 Tantrums Thrown By Rich People For Objectively Silly Reasons

When some people tried to photograph Bill Murray, he threw their phones off the roof.

Authors: By JhallComics, Andrea Meno
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 6

5 Statues That Somehow Got Treated Like Living People

We find the accused guilty and sentence it to burn

Authors: By Ryan Menezes
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 1

Sorry, ‘Office’ Fans — Mindy Kaling Says ‘Never Have I Ever’ Is the Highlight of Her Career

Said Kaling, ‘Never Have I Ever... loved a creative experience more than this’

Authors: By Keegan Kelly
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 1

The Five Absolutely Essential Seth Rogen Movies

Going from lovable slacker to starring in Steven Spielberg dramas, the man with the goofy laugh and sweet demeanor has quietly become one of Hollywood’s most reliably charming stars

Authors: By Tim Grierson
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 1

MUST READ

This Is the ‘Righteous Gemstones’ Line That Was Too Filthy for Edi Patterson to Deliver

God immediately responded with a torrential downpour, seemingly in total agreement with her

Authors: By Tara Ariano
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 1

‘Deadloch’ Is the Best Australian Crime Drama Spoof You Will Probably Never Watch, But Should

Plus: the five other Australian comedies you should sample this summer (aka their winter)

Authors: By Tara Ariano
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 0

13 Accomplishments in the History of Vulgarity

Bleepity bleep, we love a good bleepin’ story about bleeps!

Authors: By Jay L'Ecuyer, Andres Diplotti
Published: June 04, 2023
Comments: 2