24 Dark Jokes From Your Favorite Stand-Up Comedians

A little peek into their black, black souls
24 Dark Jokes From Your Favorite Stand-Up Comedians

Oof, who hurt you? 

That’s what we’d like to ask each one of these great comedians. We always knew that great stand-up comedy comes with a dash of damage, but man, these ones got real dark, real quick. 

Hmm. Actually, we did laugh our butts off, so what does that say about us? We’ll mull that over while you fellow darkness-seekers check these out.

Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Just Goes For It I don't believe in 'too soon.' I'm on a tight schedule. The day of the Aurora, Colorado Batman movie theater shooting, the day it happened, I went online. I went on Twitter, and I tweeted, 'Other than that, how was the movie?

Jim Gaffigan

Jim Gaffigan Discussing Murders on 'Dateline' At one point, Dateline just went all in on murder. And it's usually spousal murder. If you watch Dateline, it appears that most marriages end in murder. Every episode starts the same, 'They had the perfect marriage.' But you know someone's getting killed - a husband, a wife. Sometimes they get someone else to kill their spouse, which seems impersonal. You took a vow, do it yourself!

John Mulaney

John Mulaney on His College Spending His 120K Tuition What kind of cokehead relative is my college? You spent it already? I gave you more money than the Civil War cost, and you fucking spent it already? Where's my money?!

Jimmy Carr

Jimmy Carr on Religious Intellectuals Saying that you don't believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don't have sex with dogs, except Labradors.

Donald Glover

Donald Glover Knows Why There Are No 'Crazy Man Stories' I realized every man in this room has a crazy woman story. Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. Then I realized, oh, if you have a crazy boyfriend, you're gonna die.

Aparna Narcherla

Aparna Narcherla Picks Her Date Spots I try to pick a bar where if I go missing, people will be like, 'At least she had a good time before she left.' At least four stars.

Sam Morril

Sam Morril Is a Boyfriend/Therapist I was talking to my therapist and he goes, 'You tend to pursue damaged people and try to help them.' I was like, 'You too.

Dave Attell

Dave Attell Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

Greg Giraldo

Greg Giraldo Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day used to be just for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald on Attention Deficit Disorder in Class Nowadays, they have the ADD and stuff like that. If a kid's in class and they're like, 'Hey, I'd like to go out,' they go, 'We're gonna drug you.''''

Emo Phillips

Emo Phillips I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

Christopher Titus

Christopher Titus If you are in here tonight and you have never contemplated suicide...you've never truly been in love. If you're in here tonight and you have never contemplated murder...you've never been divorced.

Doug Benson

Doug Benson I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the carpool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.

More Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik on Childhood Grief When I was a little kid, I had a pet turtle. Tiny little turtle. Kept him in an aquarium. One summer I went away to camp. While I was gone at camp, the turtle died. When I got home, my dad lied to me. Не said, 'Anthony, your turtle is alive and well. It just went to go live with your mother.'I believed that until a couple days later. I was digging around in the backyard and found my mom's body. Worst day of my life. I loved that turtle.

Ricky Gervais

Ricky Gervais Makes a Compelling Argument for Indulging in Your Vices Remember, being healthy is basically dying as slowly as possible.

Doug Stanhope

Doug Stanhope Has a Hypothesis I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Chris Rock

Chris Rock on Geography The only thing I know about Africa is that it's far, far away. About a 35-hour flight. The boat ride's so long, there are still slaves on their way here.

More Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald Spitting Unfortunate Truth They call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

More Dave Attell

CRACKED DAVE ATTELL Remember when you were young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Daniel Tosh

CRACKED DANIEL TOSH I saw a guy wearing a What Would Jesus Do? bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

Jim Jeffries

CRACKED JIM JEFFRIES The bible, that's God's book, as far as I know the devil hasn't brought out a book yet, haven't heard his side of the argument. God's just writing sh*t about him, and the devil's being the bigger man and saying I'm not even going to comment, talking sh*t about me like that.

Gilbert Gottfried

CRACKED GILBERT GOTTFRIED A man goes to the doctor for a check-up, and the doctor exams him and says 'I've got bad news, you've got cancer and Alzheimers.' The man goes 'Thank God I don't have cancer!

Bill Burr

CRACKED BILL BURR was so f*cking negative, he never had anything positive to say! Hey Steve, what have you got for us today? 'In 2035 there'll be no more apples.' Thank you, Steve, thanks a lot!

More Ricky Gervais

CRACKED RICKY GERVAIS My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn't reoffended. I think he's going straight, which shows you prison does work.

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