27 Jokes and Quotes That Deserve to Be Passed Down for Generations

Before memes, we shared hilarious quotes!
27 Jokes and Quotes That Deserve to Be Passed Down for Generations

Sonny boy, did we ever tell you about the time that Grampa Simpson said his car gets 40 rods to the hogshead? No? Well, it made us howl laughing, so we hope it’ll bring a smile to your face too. 

It’s a true measurement, by the way. We thought it was just Grampa spouting old world nonsense, but apparently it’s a measurement of yore for liquids. Not all of these are true, and we promise that they’re not all meant to teach you anything. 

We just found a sweet batch of movie and TV jokes and quotes that we think will elicit some chuckles. So get to the laughin’ now, would ya?!

David Brent

CRACKED The Office People see me, and they see the suit, and they go 'you're not fooling anyone,' they know I'm rock and roll through and through. DAVID BRENT is on a constant mission to prove how cool he is.

George Bluth

Arrested Development My back is in knots. I haven't had a massage since prison. GEORGE BLUTH remembers the good ol' days. CRACKED

30 Rock

CRACKED 30 Rock I do admire Wonka. He's a true capitalist. His factory has zero government regulation, slave labor, and an indoor boat. Wonderful. JACK DONAGHY is a capitalist's capitalist.

Abbott Elementary

- Elementar kcal) E Nahon Elementary Wiltard R Abbor Domanic Willard R Abber e Abbott Elementary Oh, you're the sub. Forgive me. I thought one of my colleagues here hired a stripper for me. AVA EVA COLEMAN's first line to Gregory is sexual harassment. CRACKED

Mr. Burns

The Simpsons Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. These were definitely not sacrifices for MR. BURNS. CRACKED

J. Peterman

CRACKED Seinfeld Elaine, do you have any idea what happens to a butter-based frosting after sitting 60 years in a poorly ventilated English basement? J. PETERMAN asks the question that none of us want the answer to.

Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Why is no one having MENT a good time? I specifically ORG requested it. OLIVE When CAPTAIN RAY HOLT says fun, you better fun! CAPTA CRACKED

Veep

Veep I came in third, Amy, okay? Even the Nazis came in second. Nobody loses like SELINA MEYER. CRACKED

Ron Swanson

CRACKED Parks and Recreation Fishing relaxes me. It's like yoga, except I still get to kill something. Death soothes RON SWANSON.

Black Books

CRACKED.COM YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE? YOU'RE A BEARD WITH AN IDIOT HANGING OFF IT. BERNARD BLACK, BLACK BOOKS

Dr. Strangelove

CRACKED.COM Gentlemen, you can't fight in here. This is the War Room! -President Merkin Muffley Dr Strangelove

Community

GRACKED COM I discovered at a very early age that if I talked long enough, I could make anything right or wrong. So either I'm God, or truth is relative. And in either case: Booyah! - Jeff Winger, Community

BoJack Horseman

CRACKED.COM I'm responsible for I can't even be my own happiness? responsible for my own breakfast. - BoJack Horseman

Despicable Me 3

Life is just like that, sometimes... You're hoping for a unicorn... ...and you get a goat. - Gru, DESPICABLE ME 3 (2017) CRACKED.COM

Dennis Reynolds

I will come down on this hospital like the hammer of Thor. The thunder of my vengeance will echo through these corridors like the gust of a thousand winds! -Dennis Reynolds, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia CRACKED.COM

Chandler Bing

CRACKED.COM I'm not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment? -Chandler Bing, Friends

Family Guy

According to Family Guy, a 19th-century nutjob was right about Jesus' lineage. Stewie went to the other side and met Jesus, who is Chinese. His last name is Hong, and he doesn't know why people call him Christ. This is a reference to Hong Xiuquan, who led a 15-year uprising against China's ruling Qing dynasty. Не claimed to be the brother of Jesus, and that it was his mission to exterminate devils on Earth. CRACKED.COM

The Simpsons

27 Jokes and Quotes That Deserve to Be Passed Down for Generations

Grampa Simpson

Grandpa's measurements. GRACKED COM In season 6, episode 18, A Star is Burns, Abe Simpson yells, The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I like it. You might think this is complete gibberish, but a rod is actually an old English measurement that can equal anywhere from 9 to 28 feet. A hogshead is an old unit of mea- surement for liquids that equals about 79 old wine-gallons.

Once Upon A Time in Mexico

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO Are you a MexiCAN, or a MexiCAN'T? - Sheldon Sands CRACKED.COM

Midnight Cowboy

MIDNIGHT COWBOY I'm walking here! The film was SO low-budget that they shot this scene with a hidden camera. Everyone you see is an authentic pissed-off New Yorker, and the line is a genuine reaction to almost getting hit by a cab. CRACKED.COM

Betty White

Betty White on taking a pounding: Why do people say, 'Grow some balls'? Balls are weak and sensitive. If you really wanna get tough, grow a vagina. Those things really take a pounding! CRACKED

The Simpsons

A famous SIMPSONS line was co-opted by American right-wing media during the 2003 Iraq war. CHEESE-EATING SURRENDER MONKEY became a go-to insult towards the French and American opposition, then later against pro-refugee groups. BONTOURRR! Monkeys de Surrendeur 25 NEW YORK POST CENTE LATTE eary - WITH SURRENDER MONKEYS Iraq panel urges U.S. to give up Keep America Strong PAGES Vote Republice CRACKED.COM

Norm Macdonald

Norm Macdonald SPORTS NOPM LIVE MACDONALD READOLI JASH EVE I wouldn't call myself a fan of steampunk, but I will admit it's the healthiest way to pre- pare punk. Aside from broilpunk. CRACKED NOW YOU KNOW

Jackass

COMEDY NERD Jackass Crew Quotes Snakes are like bulls. They're very cooperative. Johnny Knoxville CRACKED.COM

Dumb and Dumber

DUMB AND DUMBER Don't worry, we'll catch our break, too. Producers wanted Harry and Lloyd to get on the bus with the bikini babes at the end, but Jim Carrey refused to film the take. CRACKED.COM

Zoolander

ZOOLANDER But why male models? After David Duchovny delivers his monologue about male models making the best assassins, Ben Stiller actually forgot his next line, and just repeated his last one. CRACKED COM

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