We here at Cracked have little patience for your typical conspiracy theorist. After all, they're about as fun to discourse with as a blackout drunk. We give you the most retarded conspiracy theory ever, and the people who sell it.
Just The Facts
- The Holocaust wasn't funny, but it totally happened.
- People who deny the Holocaust, on the other hand, are funny.
- The basic logic applied by the deniers consists mostly of "the damn Jews made up the whole thing!"
- This argument is as boring as it is stupid, so we'll be looking at more entertaining delusions.
If it happened, then Himmler and the others did it behind Hitler's back
Our favorite, stupid conspiracy theory because it depends on Hitler never talking about wiping out the Jews.
The main proponent of this view is a guy by the name of David Irving, a once respected Third Reich historian who later was officially labelled a Holocaust Denier by a court of law. Don't think "the Man" was just pissing on an otherwise good guy either with that proclimation, the foo- er guy wrote books suggesting that Adolf Hitler didn't know about the Holocaust. He then had either the balls or lack of brains to sue a woman for libel, because she said he was a Holocaust Denier. To be fair, at least he was willing to admit it happened then. He's kinda flip-flopped on that one though.
Where to begin with this dipshit, well, how about Hitler's book on all the reasons Jews should be clensed; Mein Kampf? He doesn't outright say "we need to set up a death machine to kill every Jew on the fucking planet," or "we're gonna buttfuck Stalin in 1941" but both are strongly allueded to. And that's putting it mildly. He also said some pretty incriminating stuff outside the book too, on camera.
Anyway, if we take this claim that Hitler didn't know at face value and assume for the sake of humor that it's true; would that make the Holocaust a surprise present for him? If so, what did Himmler and company plan on doing as the big reveal? Taking the boss out to Treblinka for an exchange like this,
Hitler: Hey, that clock hasn't moved for five minutes, it's broken!
Himmler: No, that's part of the surprise my leader.
Hitler: A broken clock?
Himmler: Yes, you see when a trainload of Jews showed up here we didn't want them to panic so we made this fake clock.
Hitler: But why would they panic Heinrich?
Himmler: Because me, and some of the other guys, had places like this built to effect the complete eradication of the Jews. We got so excited and threw in a bunch of other people you don't like, from Germany and several other countries. Happy Birthday!
Hitler: My dear Heiny Himmy, it's just what I've always wanted! How did you know!?
Himmler: Well, you mentioned it once or twice. Plus I read your book.
Hitler: I should have known it was you guys, I hadn't seen a Jew, Gypsy, Communist or any of those people I hate in so long. I thought they finally got the message and left. Guess this explains those boxcars full of people and what you were doing with all those guys who could've been fighting the war.
It was impossible, they couldn't have killed so many
This arguement seriously both underestimates the Nazi's determination to be rid of what they saw as a disease AND their efficiancy. It's like saying the only way it could've happened was with the help of aliens, like the ones who helped build the pyramids. We suppose that's the easiest argument for people on the fence about this whole thing to fall for, which is kind of ironic considering the same people who make that arguement like to portray Hitler and Nazi Germany as being capabale of anything. Such as flying saucers, stealth fighters, the list of stuff they'd have us believe the Nazis either built or were about to build goes on and on.
To be clear, we're not saying all who think the Nazis were developing space bombers are deniers; we're saying deniers like to believe this kind of stuff was within Hitler's grasp. If one thinks they were capable of space flight in the early to mid forties, it really shouldn't be so hard to imagine the same folks would be bad at figuring out how to murder millions of people.
Above and below; too complicated for flying saucer builders.