It's that time of the year to get drunk with people you purposefully don't get drunk with on any other day of the year.
Just The Facts
- Office parties often take place at the actual office.
- A "committee" of employees is delegated to decorating and planning the party.
- One person usually ends up doing all the work.
You're Invited! No Child Left Behind!
Wow! So you got invited to your staff party! Congratulations! Did Fat Brenda get invited, too? No shit! Everyone's invited because it's an equal opportunity event for all! The opportunity ... to have FUN! But the instant an invite hits a man's desk, only one thing goes through his mind.
Generally, the office hottie is the only girl the guys want to show up, however, there is always "Second Choice Sally" and "Am I That Drunk Amber." Before the party even starts, the pre-flirt dance begins:
"Yeah, I'll be there around, oh, cool o'clock or so." Don't show up early or on time. Wait until you're pretty sure everyone is concerned that maybe you aren't coming at all ... then you make your grand appearance!
"I'm here and I'm FABULOOOUUUUSSSS!"
Show Everyone You're As Cool As Your Mom Always Tells You You Are
Most people make the honest mistake of coming to a holiday party wearing their everyday work clothes and acting the same as they do at work, except with a cocktail in their hands.
"So where are these bitches you said would be here?"
Why is it a mistake? Because even though it's an office party, it's still a party, dammit. You don't want to be the guy who looks like he's about to sit at his desk and knock out some zoning reports. Here are a few quick guidelines:
Rule #1 -Dress like "you" but don't look like a dick. You must have at least one button-up shirt in your closet (or on the floor) don't you? And hey ladies - mother-of-the-bride dresses are for weddings, not for office shindigs where the spread consists of Oreos and wieners on a stick. If you're shiny, spangly or strapless, you're probably overdressed.
Rule #2 - Don't cling to any one person. What are you, 12? It may be another year before you get a chance to meet new people, so mingle. Just mingle carefully. If you've had a little too much to drink, steer clear of the higher ups. If you're going to crack wise about the boss, make sure none of the boss' henchmen are within earshot.
Rule #3 - Don't linger. It's not a nightclub waiting for the ugly lights to come on. Stay too long and you're either that loser who has to help clean up (then maybe score with Rose from bookkeeping) or you keep drinking to the last minute and wake up in bed next to Rose from bookkeeping.
The Morning After
So you slept with Rose from bookkeeping. That's okay, maybe nobody knows. Maybe they didn't notice you were the last two to leave. Maybe she didn't burst in this morning announcing it to the room...
"I got laaaaaiiiiiid!"
Just play it safe and don't approach anyone saying stupid things like "Did you know Rose has false teeth!?" Keep it simple and vague like "Hey, man, crazy party last night, right?" and leave them a second or two to open the flood gates of gossip. If they simply agree and get back to work, you might be okay. If they stare at you for three full minutes without blinking or saying a single word, you might want to fake a heart attack and bite down on that suicide capsule you've been saving since third grade. Season's greetings!