We were going to call this topic Gun Nuts. Then we realized the folks we'd be making fun of are armed.


Just The Facts

  1. The issue of gun ownership, and the obsessive, nay hysterical, arguments over it, leave most non-Americans totally baffled.
  2. We mean - it is just a hunk of metal that can kill people.
  3. So are cars. Either ban them too, or get over it.

Types of Gun Owners

The Normal

But, I'm left handed ...

The vast majority of gun owners buy a gun, learn and actually follow the rules of gun safety. They spend their time at the range, put it out of the child's reach, and teach their kids that a gun is always loaded. Because it otherwise it is just an awkwardly shaped club.

The Criminal

It is a tool of the trade. Mugging or jacking someone with a crowbar takes much more effort. Knives are just fucking gross, you have to get close enough to smell the fear sweat and your hands get all sticky.

The Fearful

The fearful are voted most likely to kill an innocent bystander by their gun safety class. They buy a gun, carry a gun, but never realise they have the responsibility to actually use a gun if necessary.They keep the gun unloaded so the kids don't get hurt.

The Hunter

The hunter owns guns for one reason only. Carrying on the proud tradition of our ancestors, who fought their way to the top of the food chain by being the nastiest, deadliest fuckers around.

As long as you follow the two rules of hunting - "You wound it, you track and kill it," and "You kill it, you eat it" we are totally fine with this.

The "Over-compensator"

Likes owning a gun for the feeling of power over life and death it gives him. He goes for the biggest calibre he can find, and will most likely miss and dislocate a shoulder if he ever has to use it.

The Collector

Mostly harmless, the gun collector can give you chapter and verse on every gun ever made. His guns are kept immaculate, in air conditioned storage, and are stripped and cleaned regularly. Only two of them have ever been fired by him. The rest are far too valuable.

The Scary Dude

All those guns - and it is still the knives in easy reach.

This guy is just like the collector. Except he knows how to shoot them all, and has enough ammo for his collection to turn Syria green with envy. Convinced the government is watching him at all times from their black helicopters. We wish.

Gun Owners and the Law

Gun laws in the US are confusing. You can be totally legal, drive over an invisible line and be a criminal. It is a legal system designed by Escher and built by W. Heath Robinson.

Concealed carry permitted. Concealed carry illegal. Open carry permitted. Open carry illegal. .22 caliber a no no, or carry a .50 Browning. Do not bend, fold, spindle or mutilate. We're from the government, we are here to help.

Making sense of gun laws requires the use of a gun.

Anyone thinking about buying a gun should know your state's gun laws. Read them. Follow them. Know the laws of any state you are travelling to. And don't try to fly with your gun. This seems to be something people still forget.

Gun Owners and Politics.

Just lighten up. You look completely fucking retarded to the rest of the world, squabbling over some non-issue when there is serious shit to be taken care of.

Now let's take a peek at the various parties and their gun ownership stances. Hopefully, by using the sweeping generallisations and out of context quotes favored by Fox News and CNN, we will offend both sides equally.


These stand foursquare for the right to own as many damn guns as can be held in your house and the giant bunker you've dug out underneath it. They interpret the second ammendment to mean they have the right to buy them instantly, and the right to use them any damned way they wish, including shooting targets made to look like your opponent.

Sorry, Harry. Hows the heart?

To be fair to the party, they reflect the views of their supporters. The vast majority of Republican supporters are rational, hard working folks from rural areas or "frontier" states. Yes Texas, we're looking at you, and frankly are a little tired of your bullshit. You haven't been a frontier state for half a century now. Move on. These folk consider a gun as no more than a hammer, or a computer - just another tool. And like all tools, to be learned and used correctly.


To some Democrats, the only good gun owner is one that has been licensed, examined and regulated down to a BB gun and a slingshot. To some gun owners, the only good Democrat is a target. The Democrats are fully in favor of gun control, licensing and regulation.

After all - you don't turn someone loose on the highway in two tons of metal without making sure they can handle it. Why should guns be any different? A waiting period to buy a gun while they check on your sanity, criminal record, political affiliation and terrorist propensities? Is that a sensible precaution, or an unforgivable intrusion into your illusion of privacy.

Again, they are just mirroring their supporters - the urban and the fearful. The ones from the cities who tend to suffer from gun and gang crime the most. The ones that want to be able to go to the convenience store without getting shot.


We include these, despite a Libertarian party in power being a contradiction in terms, because there approach is fairly easy to summarize.

You don't bother me, I don't bother you. Unless someone pops a balloon somewhere in this room.