Depending on your perspective, allergies are your body's rejection of nature, or nature's way of preparing nerds for the rejection of high school.

Just The Facts

  1. Allergies affect one in three people.
  2. Clemens von Pirquet discovered allergies in 1906.
  3. Prior to 1906 people with allergies were told to "man up."
  4. Usually, this came while they were choking to death on their own throat.

How Bad Can It Get?

Allergies range anywhere from "kind of annoying" to "instant death" depending on some kind of mysterious universal Russian Roulette. Allergies are more common in children than adults, and many people grow out of their allergies as they mature.

Grow up, sissy.


More than 11 million Americans are believed to have some type of food allergy. The most common are nuts and dairy. One of the biggest issues with food allergies is the fact that a restrictive diet can lead to malnutrition, especially in children. If you were unlucky enough to get the loaded barrel of the Destiny Revolver, your allergies could be so bad that even smelling a peanut could kill you. That's right: The gentle, noble peanut can kill with its mere presence. And before you start thinking we're exaggerating: Peanuts send 100 Americans to the grave every single year.

What a dick.

The Greatest Murderer in History

What Is Making Me Sneeze?

The most common way to diagnose allergies is through skin testing. One website claims that "this testing is not painful, and generally there is no bleeding involved since the needle only scratches the surface of the skin." Our friends over at Google Image Search put up a strong argument against that statement:

We've got your test results back...

It's like acupuncture with dirty needles.

What Can I Do About It?

For the vast majority of allergy sufferers, treatment is as simple as swallowing a Claritin or staying indoors all summer and quietly resenting your friends and loved ones through the windowpanes. However, for others, changing their own lifestyle is not enough, so instead of just telling their kids not to lick the inside of someone else's lunchbox (a lesson we here at Cracked proudly ignore,) some parents have pressured schools into completely banning nut products: A large number of elementary schools are now proudly proclaiming themselves "Nut-free zones".

Baby, baby, baby...

A term Jus...Nah, we're better than this.




(The kid's got no balls.)