When you dream of wipe-your-ass-on-dollar-bills riches, you imagine yourself acting like Sir Richard Branson.))

The only flow chart that matters when you're (bloody) rich.

Just The Facts

  1. Richard Branson has founded over 360 companies. Not 36. Not a bit more than 3. Three-hundred sixty.
  2. He founded Virgin Records at 22, and he signed the Sex Pistols at 27.
  3. He is the only successful British entrepreneur alive.
  4. Branson claims to be married, but no proof of his wife exists. Regardless, he has many mistresses.

Who the hell is Richard Branson?

Sir Richard Branson is a British corporate tycoon who has founded a bajillion companies as mind-fuckingly diverse as record companies, airlines, cell phone providers, spaceship tourism, underwater amusement rides, soda pop and condoms, all for the damn joy of it. He created Virgin Airlines after being pissed off at the status quo, and launched a condom company just to, pardon the pun, jerk around Durex. And he succeeded. Godsakes, the man wants to create a hotel in space and promotes his idea on the basis of having sex in space. And not sex on a bed. Weightless sex in space, in which "Bouncing Around the Room" takes on literal meaning.

At nearly 60 years of age, Richard Branson is considerably cooler than your grandfather. He also gets laid much, much more often. This fact is unsurprising from someone who has written three books, all of which are titled with euphemisms for sex, from the seemingly innocuous...

Business Stripped Bare, Richard Branson

Losing My Virginity, Richard Branson

... to the downright obvious.

Screw It, Let's Do It, Richard Branson

By now, every female around you is wet for Sir Richard Branson.

Oh That Crazy Bastard

Richard Branson makes the news often, and typically for his outrageous stunts. You know the stunts - those kinds that only fuckin' rich corporate tycoons do when they smoke the purple dragon. The kind of stunts that make Tony Stark look sane.

Tony Stark

What kind of stunts are these? Oh, how can we count the ways..

One. For a new airline route between Boston and LA, he cross-dresses as Wonder Woman and moons the crowd.

Two. He jumps off a building to promote a new route between Las Vegas and San Francisco. Listen to that announcer at 0:48. He sounds so bored, like this is just a daily occurrence.

Three. He moons an Australian film crew for laughs. His ass is seen by all thirty people with cable in Australia.

Four. He attempts world record feats around the world in a hot air balloon and boats for kicks. Four separate times, he is rescued by the British government after being stranded in the ocean. Not even Mother Nature dares fuck with him.

Five. He asks a model to strip nude and join him kitesurfing. The same model's boyfriend gladly takes pictures.

Richard Branson with a nude model on his back while windsurfing. You wish you could see now, don't you?

After all, he who is Richard Branson asks and will receive.

Humble, Awesome Beginnings

Bitching Original Logo

Virgin started out as a humble record company on Oxford Street before Richard Branson took the world by storm in a true rags-to-riches story, coming soon by Virgin Disney. "Little Richard", as he was known affectionately by everyone whom he didn't voraciously seduce, began his foray into the business world as the founder and editor of a local magazine, Student, at the age of 16. By the time he was 20, he already started selling cut-out records, or cheap-ass, painful aural drivel (see Masochism and Indie Music), to record stores at lower prices than competitors, thus vindicating Austrian economics (see Monopoly).

Disposable Income - Space Planes

So, what do you do when you're Richard Branson, aside from look glorious, perform crazy antics, and shit money? I guess you get bored after a while. Maybe you start to get some zany ideas of things you'd like to do with your life. Like own a personal spaceship so you can go into space.

That sounds like a good idea. With enough methamphetamines and a trip to the planetarium, anyone can simulate the experience. Except to make it real? No way. It costs hundreds of millions to run a single NASA shuttle mission into space. So, it's a Branson-esque idea.


Space Ship Two

God fuck us all, it's three planes in one.

If you're really interested, and only remotely rich, (where Branson swims in a pools of Euros, you line your Slip N' Slide with Washingtons) then you can fork over $200,000 for a seat on that thing.

More Disposable Income - Sea Planes. Like, Underwater Sea Planes.

There is still another frontier that has yet been unsullied by the human race, and that is the deep sea. The truly deep, dark sea. Where pressure collapses our submarines and only the greatest atrocities of the descendants of Cain are banished for all existence.

Yeah, you know it's coming. Richard Branson funded the creation of the unfortunately titled "Necker Nymph".

Necker Nymph, Richard Branson's submarine

Want to hitch a ride? The current version lets you ride down to sunken space ships, near whales, or to re-enact the clam battle in Star Fox 64, for $25,000 USD.

"Charity" Work, or Tax-Deductible Disposable Income

Nelson Mandela. Kofi Annan. Jimmy Carter. Gro Brundtland. Desmond Tutu. What do these admirable, and some controversial, people have in common? They're all a part of The Elders, a globalized taskforce with the intention of establishing world peace. Who founded it? Peter Gabriel... but mostly Richard Branson.

Richard Branson, saving the world as much as he puts it in danger

Eat that, Bill Gates.