Common, cheap, easy to wear item of clothing that doubles as a dangerous karmic loophole for people who want to share their misguided views with the world, but lack the courage to get a tattoo.
Just The Facts
- Acceptable reasons for wearing a T-Shirt: comfort, sweat barrier, everything else dirty, less dirty than everything else.
- Unacceptable reasons for wearing a T-Shirt: "Because I'd look like an idiot carrying this bumper sticker around everywhere."
- Can make you look like a package of hot dogs, or a kite depending on whether you go too big or small.
Check out last month's look at lessons Disney Princesses taught us, our more recent look at the male side of the equation Crimes Committed by Beloved Disney Characters (with Mug Shots), or last week's look at What The RIAA Thinks an MP3 is Worth.
Or if you're in the mood to read and be scared of your computer, check out 5 Terrifying Ways Your Own Gadgets Can Be Used to Spy On You.
Aah, T-Shirts. The clothing item for everyone. Fashionable with the right cut or print, easy on the figure in the right size, head goes here, arms go there, and for once, it's OK that the rest hangs out at the bottom. It's simple and brilliant.
Another thing we can all agree with since the last time we went shopping for clothes with our moms is this: There is no way to determine what is a cool t-shirt that works for everyone. As an ancient Chinese man once said: There's no accounting for taste. Then he took a hearty bite from his bar of soap.
But we all love dishing out sweet, sweet judgment, so after years of silently judging our peers, it has been scientifically proven that these types of T-Shirts are horrible:
The Overly Expensive Logo Print
Laziest designer ever.
We're all for high fashion. If women want to pay unreal amounts of money for a piece of clothing designed by someone with a silly hair-do, more power to them.
It's important to note that expensive designers tend to be fonder than the general population of see-through blouses.
The emphasis, however, is on the word "designed." The vast majority of designer T-shirts observed in the wild are just giant logos, or sometimes just the designer's name printed in Arial.
They tend to be popular among people without the sense of subtlety to match their lofty social aspirations. To the wearer, the shirt says, "I have good fashion sense." To everyone else it says "I can be tricked into paying hundreds of dollars to be called a snob by my peers, and 'pathetic' by snobs."
The Tapout Shirt
Putting the "ass" in "Fake Badass."
OK, let's make this short. There is no reason for anybody to wear this shirt.
Are you an MMA fighter? If yes, I'm sure you'd rather wear your association, gym or club's shirt than this bulllshit.
If you're a fan, you're better off making that clear. Wear a shirt from an event that you attended. It's never a good idea to pose as a bad man without having the assets to back it up. While you may get away with a tough guy act over the internet for a while because nobody can be bothered to drive over to your house and kick your ass, this shirt will attract more flying knees to the Family Jewels than girls. And you will deserve every. Single. One.
The "It's Boobies!" Shirt
Singing roll a bowl a ball a penny a pitch...
See, we all know you've got boobs. If you're female, we will be able to find out through a cunning deductive method known as "ogling," and if you're male, we'll know by the Tapout shirt and Cheeto stains.
The Drug Shirt
This is the epitome of the Dunning-Kruger effect in cotton form. You're alienating everyone who is not a drug user and are too high to notice why.