Every kid in the world wanted a Pokemon game and if you had one with Charizard or Mewtwo, you were the shit. However, now that we are older, there are things that Pokemon and Nintendo programmed into the games that they want you to overlook.

#5- You get to capture and train Pokemon

One of the main points in the game which is both tedious and fun to do during the main play of the game. Catching and training a Pokemon to rape the "elite four" alone is one of the greatest accomplishments that anyone can get to in the game and also makes this one of worst parts of the game.

Why this is awesome:

You get capture anything from a rat that shoots out electricity and crap to a prehistoric sea creature that can either cut down a whole city or make the best sushi in the world. The whole concept of capturing creatures that can do such things and force them to battle in fight-to-the-death style is just fucking awesome.

Also, they don't die. They "faint" and you can revive them to full health in less than thirty seconds by going to a Pokemon center at talking to that blabbering Nurse Joy. Hell, it'd probably be less if she would just shut her trap and do her job.

This enables the person to abuse their weak Pokemon, like Magikarp, until the damn thing finally evolves into something badass, like


Why this is horrible:

You're capturing creatures and forcing them to fight to until they faint with fatigue and getting the shit beat out of them. This is insanely horrible and I will tell you how PETA would react.

PETA: I can't believe that people are to these sort of things to these creatures! Poor things. I should strip down and mud wrestle with another female to protest this cruelty.

This is how PETA protests everything. Naked.

This is how PETA protests everything. Naked.

Though normally I tell PETA to fuck off with their insane complaints, this one I kind of have to agree with them on this issue. I mean, seriously, even Michael Vick, a star football player, got brought down because of his dog fighting addiction because apparently there isn't enough violence in football.

And this game is being marketed to children. Kids that are five years of age are playing games that require you to capture creatures, stuff them into little balls that shrink after they've been stuffed into them, and then force them to fight. Do you want your children to do that? Do you?

If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will.

If this doesn't scare you, I don't know what will.

#4-Evolving you Pokemon

This is the reason that you continue to train your Pokemon when you get them. You level these pathetic creatures up so that they evolve into the ultimate incarnation of badassness.

Why this is awesome:

If I just say that Charmander evolves into Charizard, enough has been said. But instead of just leaving you with that awesome image, I'm going to continue the list: Squirtle to Blastoise, Magikarp to Gyarados, Gastly to Gengar, Dratini to Dragonite, and Eevee to any one of it's evolutions.

This is so awesome it fucks with the theory of evolution while it's supporting it.

This is so awesome it fucks with the theory

of evolution while supporting it.

These are just some of the awesome evolutions that can occur, and new generations have even more. Scyther gets a kickass metal coat when he becomes Scizor, Onix finally looks badass when it turns into Steelix, and Horsea evolves into a fucking water dragon when it evolves into Kingdra.

And that's not all. By embracing the ideas of Darwinism, it spits in the face of the Catholic church. That's right, you can have your Charizard and fuck the church too.

Why this is horrible:

It's not that evolving your Pokemon isn't cool, but they should at least make some goddamn sense. The first generation of Pokemon didn't have too many mistakes, the only really apparent ones being Exeggcute evolving into Exeggutor and possibly Dragonair to Dragonite. But after that it got fucked up.

Evolves to

WTF says it all

I mean seriously, what the hell kind of Mickey Mouse bullshit is this? You've got a little fish that evolves into a fucking octopus. It doesn't make any sense at all. Fish have bones. Octopi don't have bones. Changes like that screw with all that we know about biology and evolution. Sure, we've seen animals move from bacterium to boned structures, but that process has taken millions and millions of years. Pokemon, try making some god-damned sense out of these creatures before you release them into the public.

#3-Breeding your Pokemon

This feature of the Pokemon game was introduced in the second generation of the Pokemon games, Gold and Silver versions. To those who actually pay attention to what breeding in Pokemon has done, it has created a whole new level of international gameplay. Yes, there are people who actually play this game competitively.

Why this is awesome:

By breeding your Pokemon, you are able to make them become unbelievably badass, not to mention complete the Pokedex by getting all of the baby Pokemon that you need. With breeding you can give Charizard an awesome move called flare blitz, which can be described as the more epic version of take down and with fire. (Okay, so he can learn it without breeding, but so what? This is probably the only reference most people will get).

I'd explain more about what breeding can do, but I'm too lazy and if you really want to do the research for it, check out this page.

Why this is horrible:

Though I believe that most males reading this would love to "breed" as often they can, the plain truth is that forcing animals to do that is just wrong. Let us hear from PETA. Again:

PETA: I can't believe that they're forcing those creatures to breed. It's cruel and unusual to treat animals like that. In order to protest I'm going to strip down and "breed" to protest this.


This may create the sexiest being to ever live,

but nobody cares because it's PETA

No! Please, dear God make it stop! We don't need to have any more members of PETA.

However, I agree with them on the concept. Forcing people, animals, anything to breed tends to result in a slap to the face, a bitch slap, a fight, biting, strangling, beating, breathing fire, and then death or serious injuries cause by "falling down the stairs."

Take this advice, don't force anything to breed. It just turns out really bad in the end because you're either in jail or stuck with multiple screaming bundles of flesh that you're not allowed to get rid of until they're 18 years old and they keep coming back.

In the real world, this would be so fucking illegal it's not even funny. Think of all of the inbreeding that could occur from all of those Pokemon that you forced to mate. The birth defects and genetic disease would eventually render every Pokemon in the world useless. And then there's the moral part. Are you sure you really want to for that Skitty to breed with that Wailord?

Dear what ever being is the true god,

let the Skitty be the male!

#2-Random encounters

These are those things that occur in the game which are not entirely necessary for the game and are not side quests. This includes walking through grass, caves, surfing, etcetera and receiving phone calls throughout Gold and Silver and the remakes of them, HeartGold and SoulSilver.

Why this is awesome:

Other than the first time you've ever roamed around the grass to capture your first wild Pokemon and the joy of the accomplishment of finding and capturing that fucking Chansey that you've spent weeks searching for, almost absolutely nothing.

Okay, maybe finding those other rare, random and legendary Pokemon that run around, specifically the three legendary dogs Entei, Raikou, and Suicune also qualifies as something awesome, but that's it.

Yeah, these guys are fucking badass and

a pain in the ass to catch

And in the remakes you are able to get items from the phone calls. But seriously, that's it! Big fucking deal!

Why this is horrible:

If you can't answer this question yourself, you've obviously never played a Pokemon game in your life and should therefore go dig your own grave or run like hell to go pick a game up. Seriously, you'd have to have been living under a rock since the Atari came out and not have scuttled out of that hell-hole until five seconds ago.

But as all of us who have played the games know, this gets fucking annoying. And I'm not talking tedious annoying, I'm talking you'd rather chop your balls off than deal with this shit. And they give you repels to reduce the amount of Pokemon you encounter, but then you just have to keep buying more which just as annoying as encountering the Pokemon.

Take walking in the grass for example. Sure, the occasional encounter is okay because you can normally just run away, catch it, or beat the shit out of it without any huge problem. Now multiply that by 50 and you understand how annoying this is. If you're training your Pokemon, they don't seem to show up enough, but if you are racing to save your Pokemon from fainting due to that stupid Weedle poisoning it, you may end up taking the longer path because it seems that you're not getting anywhere.

And then the phone calls. These only exist in Gold, Silver, Crystal, HeartGold, and SoulSilver, but seriously, who was the fucking idiot who came up with this idea? I mean, sometimes I can't walk five steps without some random ass trainer calling me to say he can't catch a fucking Rattata or that the Magikarp he hooked got away from him.

And there's no way for you to talk back to them or block their calls. I just wish you could call them to say, "Hey, weakling, I'm going to beat the Elite Four for the 15 billionth time. Don't call me until you can at least have something decent to talk about, like how weak the Elite Four is. Bitch."

At least in HeartGold and SoulSilver you can ignore the calls, but that doesn't stop them from being annoying. You can't even play the game with your volume up because of those damn calls.

Fuck the Pokegear!

iPhone, bitches!

#1- You can (or have to) catch them all

The main advertisement of the Pokemon franchise before they found out that it was a near impossible task after the first games were released and it hasn't gotten any easier. They keep on releasing new Pokemon every generation, and there's gonna be a fifth one.

Why this is awesome:

Back when the classics were out, meaning of course Red, Blue, and Yellow, this was the shit. You'd find a friend who had the game, you'd pull out your link cable, and then trade for any Pokemon you didn't have or you did so to get a Gengar, Golem, Machamp, or Alakazam.

And they were all badass....Except for Golem

Eventually, you were able to trade and train your way through all 150 Pokemon and you finally thought the journey was over. Then Gold came out with even more Pokemon to catch and the whole thing started up again. This time, however, you didn't necessarily need to catch them all, but you could if you wanted to. But now...

Why this is horrible:

You have to catch every single one of those little fuckers to obtain the special ones. In Pokemon Emerald version, in order to get one of the Gold starters, you had to catch all 200 of those annoying bastards in the Hoenn region's pokedex. And it's not like you could use other Pokemon for those 200, no. You had to specifically get those 200 in order to get one special Pokemon. Only one of the three Pokemon that were, at the time, unobtainable in any other way other than hacking, which we all know is for pussies.

The artwork was designed to make pussies feel like they were badass

Also, you have to trade Pokemon from other games if you're going to get them all. And, in order to trade these Pokemon to one another, you had to buy a link cable. Yes, that's right. Pokemon forced you to buy another accessory and possible even another game to get all of the Pokemon that you needed. At least you are now able to trade wirelessly with the DS system, but you still have to either find someone who still plays or buy the other game yourself.

Eventually, Pokemon got the idea stuck in their head that we would enjoy more Pokemon, so they made more. Now having nearly 500 of these creepy little guys running around is bad enough, but at least you don't have to catch them all anymore. You just have to see them all. This, however, is just as annoying as catching them all, but at least when you catch your own Pokemon you get to use them.