How IKEA Creates New Stuff for You To Regret Buying
Just The Facts
- IKEA is known for flat-packing their furniture. This means that each item is broken down into its smallest possible components and crammed into a pizza box.
- IKEA is secretly working to make Swedish the official international language, one bjursta at a tid.
- IKEA stores sell you on an assembled couch in a gorgeous living room display, then send you to pick it up in an industrial warehouse guarded by dragons.
- The Swedish chain was created by the Norse God Odin in the year 820 as a method to search the Earth for worthy warriors.
Eye Key Uh: A Quick Guide to Pronunciation
The word IKEA is pronounced "eye key uh." Sadly, that is about as close as the furniture retailer gets to pronouncability.
When you shop at IKEA, you will see many brands with exotic-sounding names. Their pronunciation is not important. In fact, you must never speak their names aloud. While the inexpensive brands, such as Akurum, are merely playful insults (Akurum translates specifically to "I prefer to spend my money on Samoan whores instead of cabinetry"), the more expensive brands, such as Hjartdal and Erfjord, are powerful ancient curses.
Shopping at IKEA Involves an Epic Voyage through the Nine Realms of Existence
The Saga Begins: Buying a Couch
IKEA knows that its store layout and methods of selecting merchandise are unusual, so as you enter the main floor, you are handed instructions:
They are not helpful.
Challenge 1: Find the Couch Department
IKEA does not allow you to skip straight to the section that you desire. You must first complete a rigorous maze that meanders through every other showroom and only ends at your destination. One of the many mysteries of IKEA is that whatever item you are looking for will always be the last one in the maze. It's different every time, for every shopper. Occasionally, if you correctly decipher a series of clues, you may find secret portals that can transport you from one section to another, but use these with caution! They are just as likely to send you back to the beginning of your journey as they are to speed you to the end.
On your journey you may be impeded by zombie-like demons walking a continuous loop throughout the store. They are the ones who spoke the expensive brand names aloud - let them serve as a powerful warning of the danger that lurks amidst the mirrors and shoe storage shelves that you will buy and never put together.
Challenge 2: Obtain the Item Tag and Locate the Hidden Artifact
If you complete the first challenge, you will be rewarded with the opportunity to choose a couch. When you have selected one, you will be given an item tag imprinted with a magical code.
You must now descend into the underworld.
Downstairs you will find the real IKEA, no longer an artificial Valhalla dreamscape, but a gritty reality of identical shelves stacked ceiling high with extremely flat brown boxes. Using only the code on the tag in your hand, you must find your couch hidden in this giant cavern. Quickly! Before the Svartalfar awaken!
She was too slow finding her ottoman.
Challenge 3: Checkout Through the Iron Gates
Next you need to battle the checkout line. There are many lines, so choose well. They look identical, but vary greatly. Some can be completed in less than a week, while others are circled by vultures. You may pay with cash, credit, or the blood of Kvasir.
Challenge 4: Assemble Your Couch
Written Swedish uses an esoteric runic alphabet (or "futhark") unknown to modern printing presses. Therefore, all IKEA instructions consist only of basic line drawings and stick figures. When you open your box expecting a plush couch to emerge, you may be surprised to find thousands of pieces no larger than a Lego. The final puzzle you must solve involves building these components into a working couch worthy of your living room.
Congratulations! You have completed Odin's IKEA Quest, and he is very pleased. He will soon send a valkyrie to take your soul, so you may spend eternity fighting as a einherjar warrior in the battles of Ragnarok.
You're really going to enjoy that! Trust me, you really are!
Winner of a violent, horrific, bloody eternity? You!