Aliens are really big pussies. Fortunately, by the time they read this, it will be after 2012, so it won't matter. But yeah. Pussies.

Aliens.  Literally and figuratively pussies.

Just The Facts

  1. Aliens have tried for years to take over Earth. Every time, they fail.
  2. Aliens are inhabitants of other planets.
  3. There is nothing that we have that they could possibly need, but they keep trying anyway.


Aliens are inhabitants of other planets who keep coming to the planet Earth to conquer us and take our resources. Despite all of their powerful technology, aliens remain intergalactic vaginas who fail repeatedly at their task. After many, many attempts, all they've managed to do is just slaughter our cattle and kidnap and anally rape us, which admittedly is pretty horrible, but still falls much short of their imperialistic goals.

Many people also suggest that aliens leave crop circles as some sort of navigational chart or something. For this to be true, you would have to believe that aliens can build space ships to travel to other planets, but don't have GPS, or instead of communicating with e-mail, they leave each other big fucking post-it notes that take all night to make and someone else has to travel thousands of light years to come see. People who think crop circles are real are idiots.

People Obsessed with Aliens


Gorilla199 shares his knowledge of the alien conspiracy, the lizard conspiracy, and the freemason conspiracy on his Youtube channel. Long story short, every one is a lizard and a Freemason and from space. Also, alien lizard freemasons have influenced society from the beginning. So, basically, it's like this, but everyone is like this:

He has one of the most popular channels on Youtube because of videos like this:


Unarius Academy of Science is a Southern California based religion that teaches us that Jesus was an alien. So was John the Baptist. Because they were the same person who lived in different bodies and then they reincarnated into a the guy who founded this church in the methamphetamine district of San Diego.

In short, they believe that Earth has been invited to join an intergalactic friendship of planets. In fact, the co-founder of Unarius arranged large piles of white rocks on her property to spell out "Welcome Space Brothers" on her land so the aliens could find her house in case they didn't have her address. Once a year, the Unarians get together to celebrate their place in the universe in the conclave of light:

Here's a fun game: If you don't have 10 minutes, randomly open up three places on this video, like, say, 2:13, 4:52, 9:45.

The Unarians also believe that their Atlantean secrets hold the key to the energy crisis, as shown here in this clip from the Daily Show:

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Why Do Aliens Keep Trying to Kill Us?

No one really knows why aliens keep trying to attack Earth, since they are so much more advanced than us and can easily replicate anything that we have, but it has been widely speculated that the reason is because they have seen our planet's unrelenting love for anime, which is horrible, and disgusts them and makes them want to blow up our planet or take all of our resources that we need to live.

Ancient Evidence of Aliens

It has been suggested that aliens have been visiting our planet for thousands of years.

Nazca lines

In Peru, there are several pictures that have been drawn in the ground that are so big that you can only see them from the sky, or a tall building, but since Peru doesn't have any buildings, you can only see them from the sky. Here is a famous Nazca drawing of a bird that scientists think is proof that aliens visited ancient Peruvian civilizations:

This is bullshit for two reasons: 1) That is the ugliest fucking bird we have ever seen. It looks more like a duck-billed platypus with paper clips sticking out of it. It's not a fucking bird. Can you imagine if you travel to another planet and the inhabitants draw a piece of shit like that for you? Why does it have legs coming out of its stomach and its back? 2) If aliens did come to Earth, why would they go to Peru and not America?

Aliens in Egypt:

Many suspect that aliens helped build the pyramids in Egypt because the alternative theory is that Jews did manual labor.

Alien movies

Here is a basic rundown of the ways aliens have tried to kill us and how they have failed:

1. The Aliens Quadrilogy Trilogy:

Alien(s) is really the same movie 3 times.

2. Predator:

The Universe's best hunters fooled by mud and a bow and arrow set made out of wood and tree vines. That's like the Spartans being fooled by Persians because they have funny hats. Yet, despite his weakness of not being able to see things that have mud on them, he decides to do his hunting in the rain forest, possible the muddiest possible place in the world.

3. Independence Day:

Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum program a virus and fly into the mothership to upload it. Then, they fly back to Earth and the remaining US air forces take out the Las Vegas invader ufo. Then, there's a cut scene that shows how the spaceships over the Congo and Taiwan were killed by throwing spears and lions at them until they exploded.

4. Signs:

Not to be out done by a Jew and an African American, Mel Gibson fights off the invading alien army with a baseball bat. Aliens, come to Earth at night and invade farms. Unfortunately, their weakness, water, is not noticed until their full on invasion. That's right, they never once noticed that that dew that covers all the plants at night melts their skin.

5. Transformers:

Megatron foiled by LeBoeuf when he put the Allspark in Megatron's chest. Coincidentally, this also brings dead transformers back to life.