The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is commonly known as the greatest thing to ever grace the video game console... and teach kids the value of doing insanely awesome things with wind instruments.

Just The Facts

  1. Ocarina of Time was released on November 21, 1998, and it sold more than 2.5 million copies by the end of that year.
  2. There is not a single moment in the game where Link, the hero, speaks.
  3. After playing this game, all other games you play will be a little disappointing.

The Story

Childhood:

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time starts off with a friendly, yet awkward orphan living in a forest full of other kids (who never age, somehow). And there's a huge talking tree who looks like Wilford Brimley and talks like Shakespeare. He runs the forest and everyone seems to like him, but one day gets sick because an evil green man put an enourmous, terrifying parasite inside him. He insists that someone has to go in and kill it singlehandedly. So, who does he choose to go inside him and exterminate that hellish creature? That awkward little orphan, Link!OMGZ LINK DEY MADE ME SICK.

This will be an expensive operation.

Long story short, Link gets the job done, but it's too late. The Deku Tree passes on to tree heaven, but Link gets to venture out of the forest and go hang out with the princess! He makes the long trek across Hyrule Field and sneaks his way through a very poorly secured castle full of lazy guards.

Then he gets to talk to Zelda, who tells him fun stories about how three beautiful models created the world and about all the shit he's got ahead of him. Yeah, thanks a ton, Deku Tree. You knew this would happen. So, Link gets to travel all over Hyrule, play with these fat mountain dwellers called Gorons, kill a big dinosaur in a cave by force feeding him cherry bombs, go inside another creature (what the hell? a fish?) and fight off a bunch of hyper-electrified jellyfish that live in there. On top of that, he has to put up with a bitchy fish princess who complains about everything. If she didn't have that blue stone we would definitely just let the jellyfish zap her to smitherines.

Oh, and he gets to do a bunch of fun side quests and get spectacular rewards.Oh, fuck yes.

Oh, fuck yes.

Well, Link gets these three pretty rocks, known as the "Spiritual Stones" that he needs to put in this big temple so he can... save the world... or something. So, he makes his way to the castle, all excited because he finally got his shit done and can go score more points with that cute redhead at Lon Lon Ranch. But before he gets to the castle he sees Zelda and her mommy- er, caretaker, riding out on a horse. Not even a hug. Nice... But she did throw something into the castle moat.

And then that douchebag who infected Big Daddy Deku shows up.

Don't be mad. If this didn't happen, then the game would be finished.

Oh, balls. Well, luckily this mean dude didn't kill Link. He just pulled some Mortal Kombat move on his ass, but Link's fine! so he gets whatever Zelda threw into the water, and finds out it's the Ocarina of Time! Yes! The game title has finally appeared in the storyline! Anyway, he then goes into the Temple of Time and puts the stones in their little spots. Can I go home now? Of course not. There's a mini earthquake and a big fancy door opens to a super badass sword stuck in a stone. I know I've seen this movie before...

But this kid was kind of a pussy.

So Link pulls the sword because he's, you know, the chosen one. And BAM! He's seven years older! It's the new, quicker, and more environmentally friendly way of being cryogenically frozen.

The Adult Years:

All right! I've now surpassed the awkward years of adolescence and have a killer sword. That cutie from the ranch will be all over me when I see h- NOT SO FAST, buddy. There's a creepy ninja dude who has some advice for you... and seems to know everything about you.

Tranny?

This mysterious fellow informs Link that ever since he pulled the sword, Ganondorf has fucked things up big time in Hyrule and he's gotta go save SIX, count 'em, SIX more "sages" hidden in SIX more dungeons. One in the trees, one in some magma, one in underwater, one in a creepy graveyard, and one in Egypt, er-the desert. Oh, and one random old guy in this temple. Holy Bajeezus, I get dragged into all this after helping out a tree? What if I just didn't pull the sword and went on living my life? Okay, whatever.

So, let's get started!

Link makes his way back to his old home to find that it's infested with a bunch of nasty, nut spitting plants and Venus flytraps that could eat a cow. Oh, and did we mention the armored bulldogs with spears? The Forest Temple, his first grown up dungeon, isn't a very welcoming place either. It's dark, and eerie, and full of spiders and a family of angry ghosts. Link gets to be Hyrule's ghostbuster, but doesn't get the appreciation he deserves. At the end of the temple, Link gets to fight Ganondorf's bastard son in a tennis match on steroids inside a creepy art museum.


As you would expect, Link kicks the shit out of the guy and saves Saria, his green-haired best friend from childhood. But no time to reminisce old memories! It's off to the mountains to play with fire and magma! All the Gorons are gone and locked in jail cells in what appears to be the 9th circle of hell, or the Fire Temple. But in order to get there, we have to go inside a big hot caldera. But it's cool (no pun intended), they gave me some red clothes that will make me invincible to heat. So, inside the Fire Temple, Link finds a big ass hammer that can pretty much destroy anything, and pummels the dragon like a pinata.

Okay, by now in the game you're probably sick of the heat. Let's go cool off... in the lake! Oh wait, there's a dungeon here, too, and the fucking lake is completely dry. There is nowhere for a nice weekend getaway in Hyrule, is there? Well, now Link has a blue suit that gives him gills. This hero shit is really starting to pay off.

Link goes a little crazy in the Water Temple, because it's the most confusing fucking dungeon in the whole game. You know you got stuck on this level for months. It's always because of one key you can't find, too.

Link plays songs to make the tide rise and lower, fights a mirror-image demonic version of himself, and gets slung around a room by a purple jell-o monster.

I must admit, I never thought I would be in this type of situation.

He finds the jello's weak spot (it's a nucleus, go figure) and stabs it righteously. All right, Now the lake is filled up and we can go fishing! Okay, fine. You've been through alot. You can go fishing for five minutes.

Now it's time to go play with dead people in the Shadow Temple! Link travels across the land to Kakariko Village where the blue ninja dude tells him he has to go back in time and become a kid again before he can go into deadland. WTF, really? Time travel? So Link becomes a kid again and goes down to the bottom of a well. Ehh... I've never had a good feeling about wells.

C'mon man, don't wuss out.

So Link grows a pair and ventures down into the well. He sees some floating skulls and fights a big fat zombie with a long neck. Well, this is stupid. But at least I have a magnifying glass that can see invisible shit. So, Link becomes a big kid again and goes into the Shadow Temple, which is essentially a big torture house that you would expect to wake up in if you were a victim in the movie Saw. And the boss of the temple is a ripped percussionist with a flower for an eye. And he is PISSED that you came in uninvited, so he decides to play a deadly song of destruction on his bongos for you!

All right, so Link whoops up on the drummer and ventures out to the desert, where the last sage is. But not so fast, you gotta get past the crazy desert Amazon ginger chicks first. You see, there's this tribe of women living in the desert in this big ass fortress and they don't like to be bothered. They also don't like men. So when Link strolls through they capture him and throw his ass in jail. Once again, thank you mister Deku Tree for all the shit you've gotten me into. To make things even funnier, after Link escapes from jail he saves a bunch of wimpy men who were put in other jail cells. Definitely don't tell your friends about that when you get home, guys. Anywho, after Link kicks some Gerudo ass, they give in and say "you know what, you're okay" and let him go into the desert.

Link goes through an intense sandstorm and some quicksand and gets a ton of sand in his eyes on the way to the Spirit Temple. Oh, and once he gets there, the way into the temple is through a tiny hole that only a kid can fit through. Well, shit. Gotta go get drunk on that fountain of youth again. So, Link comes back as a kid and goes through some terrifying shit that a kid his age should never experience, like having a creepy floating mummy spray a raging inferno of fire at him. Oh, and fighting a massive, 10-ton armored beast with an axe the size of Link's body.

Um... yeah.

Yeesh. Well, Link makes it to the end and gets the Silver Gauntlets, these badass gloves that make Link into an elflike Optimus Prime. So Link comes back as an adult and goes through an even harder part of the temple. But it's kinda fun. There are mirrors. And Link gets to bounce all the sunlight around the room until something special happens. He also gets a cool shield with a mirror on it. He makes it through the temple and then gets to fight these two hideous witches who combine to make something sorta like Captain Planet, just not as cool.

With our powers combined

So Link uses his ingenuity to deflect their fire and ice spells right back at them. And ends up winning, of course. Sweet! I'm done with all the temples now! I can go home! Good one. Link travels back to the Temple of Time just to let his ninja buddy know that he's gotten the job done. "Sheik" has to do his whole admiration thing where he tells Link how courageous he is and how he's a hero and how he's the chosen one blah blah blah. And then things get a bit awkward when he reveals that he's Zelda incognito. Is this your way of coming on to me, princess? Well, this little rendezvous doesn't last long because Ganondorf and his God-senses finds out that Zelda's exposed herself and thus captures her. Oh, balls. Another objective.

Turns out when Link pulled the sword to become an adult, Ganondorf did some remodeling of the castle to fit his own architectural taste.

Are the smoke clouds necessary?

So, the sages build a fancy little bridge for Link to walk into the castle. The entry hallway looks kinda nice, with a pretty red carpet, but the rest of the castle is a pretty eerie. Link has to complete a mini-version of all the dungeons he beat as an adult so he can go into the real part of the castle to fight Ganondorf. So he does all that, fights some familiar enemies, and just downright gets sick of everything he's had to go through. And then he finally makes it up to Ganondorf's little... church, complete with stained glass windows and an oldtimey organ. Ganondorf is even playing a nice song for Link.

So, words are exchanged and the battle begins! It's another epic tennis match, but Ganondorf gets to serve every time. It isn't much of a problem for Link. He gets his shit done and shows the Great Ginger King of Evil that d-bags like him don't belong in Hyrule.

But it ain't over yet!

Zelda informs Link that Ganondorf is using his supernatural evil powers to destroy the castle with them in it. So, they run downstairs and escape just before it collapses. And then Ganondorf rises from the dead and looks 10 times scarier than before, and this time has for some reason abbreviated his name to Ganon.

Navi gives Link a few words of encouragement and then Link goes to work. The game makes it super obvious where Ganon's Achilles heel is: the rainbow colored tail. So, Link gets back the master sword Ganon knocked out of his hands earlier and shreds up the tail like there's no tomorrow. This time Ganon gives up and admits he's not worthy. That's right, beeyotch.

Then, suddenly, Link is in heaven (but not dead?) with Zelda and she asks for the Ocarina of Time back. I do all this shit for you and my reward is you taking this cool flute from me? You know I didn't HAVE to save you. But anyway, all of Hyrule celebrates the demise of the green ginger and everybody's happy!

And Link goes back to being a kid again and does in fact have to face the awkward years of adolescence. Hey, more time to score with the cute ranch girl.

And once again, thanks for all this, Deku Tree.

Link's Life

So that whole above description made it sound like Link's whole quest of heroism was a nice walk in the park. Couldn't be farther from the truth. There was a ton of shit Link had to put up with during his quest, and at times it seemed like nothing would ever get out of his way.

The first person... er... thing Link interacts with in the game is Navi, his fairy companion. And little did he know how that would turn out. The problem with Navi is she always played backseat driver with Link, and Link never grew the balls to say "fuck you, Navi. I'll go to Death Mountain after I go bombchu bowling."

"Hey, hey, listen, hey, listen, hey, hey, hey, listen!"

Navi would have been cool if she actually told you something useful, but she would always tell you something that you already knew. She was like the slow-witted kid at school. Right after Zelda tells Link what he has to do next, Navi tells Link the same thing 5 minutes later. It gets real annoying real fast when Link doesn't go immediately to his next destination. Like when he wanted to go hang out at the ranch with Malon, Navi was major cockblock.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little too hard on Navi. She helped sometimes. Like whenever Link was fighting a bad guy, she is the reason he can lock on (aka "z-target").

I helped.

So Link learns to live with Navi, and really doesn't mind her once he really starts to come across some more annoying characters....

The owl. Yes, that fucking owl who, whenever he spoke, you would press the A button incessantly and angrily so you could get through his speech as fast as possible, but when he reaches the end and asks "Do you want to hear what I said again?" and you accidentally answer "yes", then rupture a blood vessel and punt your new puppy out the window.

Die.

He exists solely to slow Link's quest down and fill him in on unnecessary information. Also, does anyone else find it creepy how he always knows where Link is? On top of that, he knows everything ABOUT Link too. So we've got a creepy, stalker, old man wise owl who is always around during the day and will never let you leave. Just eat your dang tootsie pop and wait till night to come out like a normal owl.

Okay, so let's talk about something more postive now. Something we all love in Zelda: POT SMASHING! Yes, the most exciting part about any Zelda game is the scientifically proven stress relief technique of angry destruction of pots. And to make it even better, YOU GET RICH FROM DOING IT!!!

He never had to clean up after himself.

Link could always walk into any stranger's house, smash all of their pots, and steal the money. And no one ever had a problem with it. In fact, he could just go talk to the house owner and they would say some fun fact about the town they were in... or complain about how much of a jerk Ganondorf is.

Getting Bored Yet?

Have you beaten the game, gotten every Gold Skulltula token, every piece of heart, every upgrade, every everything? Even done other challenges such as beating the game with only 3 hearts? Sick of it all but still want to play more Zelda?

Well, my friend, today's your lucky day. You see, some Zelda nerds have come up with a new, and much more difficult way to play Ocarina of Time. And you'll only succeed if you're that much of a Zelda badass.

It's called the Zelda Uber Challenge, and it's not for the faint-hearted, or the non-Zelda nerds. It's pretty much the hardest possible way to beat the game.

It's a way of playing Zelda that has a shit ton of restrictions. Just a few of them are: Only 3 hearts the whole time, no Fire Arrows, no Longshot, no Lens of Truth, only one bottle, you can only use a broken sword as an adult, and NO DEATHS ALLOWED... the whole game! Also, you have to do some of the dungeons out of order. You know how the Spirit Temple is supposed to be done toward the end of the game? Well, in the Uber Challenge, you get to do the kid portion of it shortly after you first talk to Zelda. You also have to do the Shadow Temple right after you pull the sword to become an Adult. It doesn't sound too bad, until you find out that it's really inconvenient.

This isn't allowed.

It's insanely difficult, but luckily the guy who came up with it (his name is Manocheese) made a guide for it.

Here's the order of dungeons in the challenge.

The Deku Tree
Inside Jabu Jabu
Spirit Temple (Kid)
Dodongo's Cavern
Shadow Temple
Fire Temple
Forest Temple
Water Temple
Spirit Temple (Adult)
Ganon's Castle

Good luck, you'll need it.