Ah, Valentine's Day. Love is in the air, but what do the two sexes really want from this romantic day? Thanks to the scientific art of making sweeping generalizations and handy old school Excel graphs, we found out!

Just The Facts

  1. Valentine's Day is the Christian Holiday honoring Saint Valentine.
  2. Saint Valentine is most noted for having died a horrific, bloody death.
  3. Valentine's Day is the national holiday that honors humping.

St. Valentine: Martyrs of Mystery... And Sweet Lovemaking

Legends differ about who exactly St. Valentine's Day is named after. It is a general consensus that the day honors a number of Valentines. One of these, St. Valentine of Rome, was a priest who was martyred. Another, Valentine of Terni, was a bishop who was martyred. There is possibly another Valentine who was, you guessed it, martyred. Amidst all this murder, it should come as no surprise that the day is celebrated with mass quantities of boning.

Speaking of stonings, I'm hard as a rock.

After all this you may still be asking, "Okay, so some religious Valentines got whacked. When does the sweet, sweet lovemaking come in?" Well, isn't it obvious?

Steve Valentine will keep his Pilgrim shoes on when he makes love to your body.

I Want Your Sex ... And Flowers ... And Jewelry ...

Many people deride Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark Holiday," implying that it was created and encouraged by greeting card companies because we totally didn't just have Christmas two months ago. But Valentine's Day is much more than that. You think you can get off with just a card? Ladies expect to get a thoughtful, romantic gift (stuffed bears holding hearts that read "I Love You Beary Much" fit the bill nicely). Guys are expected to buy jewelry (better be expensive- not the cheap stuff), flowers (how else can you spend $30 to watch something die over the course of a few days?), and top it off with a nice dinner (would it KILL you to suit up once in a while?). Chocolates in one of those giant cardboard heart boxes would be nice, too. Then it's time for chocolate roulette, as you risk life and limb to see if you end up with one of the delicious/edible/not poison chocolates in the minefield of cocoa.

Actually, I WAS looking for a high-powered nail-polish remover!

Crikey! Everybody Hates You!

So you didn't get a tissue-box full of cardboard cards that suggest that the Crocodile Hunter thinks "you're a beaut"? If you don't have a significant other or are the fat kid in Elementary School, Valentine's Day can be the most depressing day of the year. It can seem like a celebration of your opposite-sex ineptitude.

But lo! All is not lost! You won't be losing money on expensive dinners, expensive jewelry, semi-expensive flowers, or fat-inducing chocolates! And now there's nobody to keep you from a night in with your buddies Nathan Drake, "Soap" MacTavish, and Solid Snake.

Bachelor #1, if I was an enemy soldier, how would you brutally but tactically kill me?

And hey- Who knows? Maybe next year you can totally use that condom bouquet you have just lying around.