As long as there's been humanity, there's been some form of torture. A look in the dictionary- Torture: The process of making total misfits/outcasts/total buttheads feel even more unloved than before.&

This pink poodle is a prime example of being tortured.  Don't poodles have enough problems already? Do they really need to be pink?

Just The Facts

  1. Torture is defined as: the act of inflicting excruciating pain, as punishment or revenge, as a means of getting a confession or information, or for sheer cruelty. So in short, it sucks ass and it's mean.
  2. There is actually an organization called: The United Nations Convention Against Torture. Really. Really? There needs to be an entire organization out there to prevent this shit from happening? Wow....Wow.
  3. Some people get off on this. Yeah....I'm just going to leave that one alone.

10. Glasgow Smile

Have you ever dreamt (rather had blindingly vivid nightmares) about looking like the Joker? I mean come on, it would be pretty sweet, who can't resist that smile

"Why yes, I do all my own makeup."

Even if you aren't a demented comic book villian, you yes you, can have the super cool smile of the Joker. Actually, Glasgow smile is a real form of torture, involving cutting the edges of the mouth up to the ears. This became popular in London, becoming a sign to rival gang members.

9. Necklacing

Presumably everybody who's reading this has seen a car tire in their lifetime? If not, walk outside, and face the sun, get over your allergies to it. Now, the tires we have come to know and love have been involved in a execution method in Africa. I know, I've met some good tires in my lifetime, but you know what they say: "good tires go bad," or something like that. The idea consists of placing a tire filled with gasoline over the offender's head, and setting it alight. Now, there's some people (yes, I'm looking at you) who will point out that execution isn't torture. Now, what I have to say to that idea is: can you imagine having your head on fire? Watching your flesh burn off your face and having to deal with the smell of burn popcorn that is your skin. Necklacing has been used in Africa since the 80's to set an example.

At first, he thought his new necklace was pretty sweet, until he smelled the gasoline.

8. Wheel Torture

Back before there were laws against cruel and unusual punishment, people got quite creative with their torture methods. Wheel torture, also called the breaking wheel, is a prime example of medieval torture creativity. The (un)lucky person who got the privilige of taking a ride on the wheel was in for an intresting ride. Their limbs were strapped to the spokes, and the wheel turned very slowly. Through openings in spokes, they were hit with an iron hammer by some person who loved their job much to much, and this hammer had no problem breaking bones. Once their limbs were broken, they were left to be nibbled away by the cute little birdies waiting in the trees.

"Breaking wheel! I thought the sign said Ferris wheel! I'm never coming to this amusement park again."

7. Flaying

We all know snakes, among other animals, can shed their skin. There's a torture method that allows people to shed their skin as well. Flaying was used thousands of years ago on witches, captured soldiers, and to execute criminals. In one method, people's hands were tied above their head while the torturer cut off all his skin with a knife, starting at the face. Another method involved being severly sunburned, and then having your sking peeled off. Lastly, they could be boiled, burning their skin off.

"Oh, I left my wallet in my other skin."

6. Coffin Torture

All those cute little birds that you see in the parks, old people whiling away the hours feeding them, they have us all fooled. Allowing us to feed them is merely a ruse, a trick so we don't see their true nature (for further reference see: The Birds (haven't heard of it? what rock have you been living under?)). The birds show birds going crazy (insane in the membrane), pecking people to death, and this can all be prevented by feeding them. They're not that hard to please. And when they get mad, they take it out on these saps:

"I should've shared my bread. Why did I make such a mistake! Why?!"

Another form of torture simply involves being placed in a metal coffin, and hung from a tree, or somewhere high up. Then, you wait. Yes, the wait is even longer than that of a public bathroom line, and you're waiting to be pecked to death by disgruntled winged creatures. And if you're particularly hated by the townsfolk, you could have large, hard objects thrown at you by bystandards. I think that's kind of rude. You're just sitting nicely, waiting to be pecked to death (which is already going to be painful), and to pile on more pain, these people take it upon themselves to hit you with whatever they can find.

5. The Rack

How does the feeling that you're going to split in two sound to you? The rack, for those of you who don't know, is a tablesque sort of contraption. The victim is layed down on it, with his wrists tied above his head on the table, and his feet chained to the other end. While interrogating, the people who where torturing, tightened the tension, resulting in broken limbs, godawful sounds from ligaments snapping, and eventually your limbs ripped from your body.

Hmm... I think I'll just lie down on this cozy bed for a catnap. Remember to wake me up before I loose my limbs.

4. The Rat

I don't know how many normal people there are that don't like rats. I happen to be part of the not liking rats persuasion, as would I guess 76.888% of people reading this (yes I did make up that statistic, shut up about it). The following torture will make you cringe, that is if you have a heart. I don't know what kind of person would think this up, or a better question: who deserves this? The idea is that the victim is tied up, so as to not be able to prevent the most awful thing that he will ever see. A rat is placed upon his stomach, covered by a metal container. Luckily for both the rat and the victim, heat in the container is raised, to that the rat will have to burrow out: THROUGH YOUR STOMACH! It then travels your intestines in a desperate attempt at escape.

"You think i'm ugly now, wait 'till i'm in your belly!!"

3. Chinese Water Torture

Surprisingly, there is no evidence of the chinese people lending their name to this popular torture. The victim is restrained (duhhh) to a table, where water would proceded to be emptied, drop by drop, upon his forehead. The idea behind this is that it's supposed to make you go foam at the mouth, loony as a loon, just crazy. On a episode of Mythbusters, this idea was tried out, and they find out that the combination of the cold water, and the not knowing when the next drop will come to be maddening.

2. Forced Ingestion (water torture)

Those of you who read the first part were probably confuzzled (what? they feed you? sweet!). They weren't fed as torture (yes, I'd like some donughts please? Oh the agony!!). Rather, a tube was forced down their throat, forcing them to take in large amounts of water in short amounts of time. At a glance, this might not seem as bad as some aforementioned torture methods. But, drinking too much water can result in water intoxication. Apparently it's true: you can have too much of a good thing. Water intoxication encompasses muscle weakness, cramping, nausea, and vomiting. Eventually, cells in the brain will swell, resulting in seizures, comas, brain damage, and death.


1. The Head Crusher

The head crusher comprised of a chin placed on a bottom bar, and the head was under a cap. The torturer then would turn a screw, pushing the cap down, bringing the victim's head closer and closer to the bottom bar. Teeth shattered (hey! no flossing!), and you died of slow, agonizing pain, but, the coup de gras, you were concious while your eyes popped out of your skull. Yeah, I know, you cringed. If stopped halfway, there would be permanently damaged in their brain, as well as their jaw or eyes.

No explanation needed.... Yikes.