Celebrity Healthcare: The final test of the "Will these idiots really do anything the little boxes tell them?" system.

Just The Facts

  1. Celebrities used to need a positive ability in their chosen skill.
  2. With Reality TV, that reduced into zero ability in any skill.
  3. With Oprah Winfrey, it inverted into negative ability in other skills.

Jenny McCarthy on Anti-Vaccination

Jenny McCarthy, whose entire medical training consists of a plastic surgeon explaining her tit job to her, has been campaigning against vaccinations because her son Evan has autism. You'll notice that there's no actual connection there, the two events just happen to be close to each other in the sentence. That's her logic too.

She famously appeared on Oprah Winfrey and stated "The nurse gave (Evan) the shot ..and soon thereafter boom the soul's gone from his eyes." To which the only response is: Holy Shit, did she just call all autistic people soulless abominations on national TV? We know tits get you away with a lot on-screen, but this must be some kind of record.

She went on to explain that it's all a conspiracy, and one which requires supra-Disney-plot level evil villains. We know pharmaceutical companies aren't exactly nice, but when you've got international companies inventing soul-killing poison and injecting it directly into kids, you'd damn well better have a magical unicorns and the power of sharing on your side or there's a good chance you're insane.

Her entire "proof" boils down to how she gave birth to a child. We know you've got a vagina, Jenny, you used to show it to us for rent money. When we have to choose between medical science, which eliminated smallpox, and you, this is the one time in we're going to go with the "not tits" option.

Why It's Not Your Decision

Attention people who take medical advice from someone whose most recent qualification is "jiggling her breasts in a movie called Wieners": Everything you've done wrong raising your kids is between you, them and the relevant correctional facilities. But when you want to turn your snot-dispensing McDonald's-disposal-units into a plague farm unlike anything seen outside Umbrella Headquarters, that's not cool. They're going to breed stronger diseases which could affect people with working brains, unlike your current epidemics of sphericality and reality TV.

Of course you should feel free to research any medical treatment before accepting it. But "Listening to 1994's Playmate Of The Year" isn't research. In fact, it proves you don't even know how to use pictures of a Playmate, let alone medicine.

Suzanne Somers

The chief perpetrator of "She's The Sheriff" is not only still at large, but has decided that seven years of Step by Step pretty much makes her an MD. Her only other medical expertise is appearing in Thighmaster commercials and once thinking she had cancer, but being wrong about that. Since then she's been shilling "bioidentical hormone therapy" as a cure for everything from being old to stubbing your toe, despite the fact that they're utterly unproven. Oh, and the few doctors not actually trying to sell the things that have looked at them point out they're potentially carcinogenic.

Suzanne Sommers's Medical Knowledge Bonus Fact: She recommends alternative medicine instead of chemotherapy. We don't know about you, but we wouldn't accept a drink from someone that bad at medicine.