In 1972 ufologist Dr J. Hyneck classified three types of alien encounter: sighting, evidence of an encounter, and contact with animate beings. Milla Jovovich stars in a current movie about "The Fourth Kind", abduction. Now we turn it up to Eleven.

Just The Facts

  1. Many people are searching for intelligent extraterrestrial life.
  2. The people using equipment and evidence haven't found any.
  3. The others have found enough to fill five trailer parks.

Alien Abduction Explained

People wonder why aliens, with all their advanced technology, seem so set on forcing that technology into the unwilling orifices of unattractive humans. It's simple: we've only had the internet for forty years and there are already videos of goats and midgets in unholy arrangements on there. Star-spanning aliens hundreds of years ahead of us have to find and violate three new species a day just to provide content.

Alien Weaknesses

Water: How crazy would you have to be to land on a planet where seventy-five percent of the surface and stuff that falls from the sky can kill you? Mel Gibson-crazy, and that's pretty crazy.

Flu: A useful deus ex mucosa, but the revelation that our big guns are less effective than stuff inadvertantly coming out of our own bodies is a crushing blow to the male ego.

Will Smith: Devastating, but if they distract him with a small child and instructions to go for an Oscar we'll be left defenseless.

Flamethrowers: Actually, this works on everything. We should probably start with these.