Hitler: The most versatile word on the Internet.

Chart by Randall Maynard, Jack O'Brien

Back when people still knew who Hitler was.

Just The Facts

  1. Adolf Hitler was a few hugs short of a Care Bear.
  2. Hitler painted pretty postcards and wanted to be an artist.
  3. He was a momma's boy.

Who Was Hitler: Using Internet Context Clues

This page links off to 43 articles in which various public and historical figures are compared to Hitler. You can read Hitler compared to Hugo Chavez by Donald Rumsfeld, Donald Rumsfeld by Hugo Chavez, Jesus by Glenn Beck, Glenn Beck (not by Jesus), Abraham Lincoln, Nancy Pelosi, Charles Darwin, Walt Disney and even Franklin Delano Roosevelt. While each context is different, each of the 43 articles seem to believe Hitler was some sort of vaguely super-powered force of evil who controlled people (and possibly the weather) with his mind.
However, the more we read about his life, the more we got an image of a guy who was just pulling outrageous claims out of his ass at a time, and in a country when people were desperate enough to believe them--more date rapist than evil genius.
So which version is correct? History mentions no super powers. But why would the opportunistic howler monkeys feeding Hitler comparisons to a conspiracy theory-hungry America pretend that Hitler was some sort of evil genius if he was just an opportunistic howler monkey feeding over-the-top rhetoric to a conspiracy-theory-hungry Germany?
If that rhetorical question makes your head hurt, you already know the answer to both questions: Because it's what the Masons and the Jews want you to believe.

Adolf Hitler: Just Some Dumb Asshole

Adolf's dad, Alois, was a bastard. He was the illegitimate son of Maria Ann Schicklgruber. Alois couldn't find any young lassies to marry him with a retarded last name like Schicklgruber, so he took the last name of his paternal grandpa, Grandpa Hitler. After his first two wives showed remarkable foresight, dying before Alois could impregnate them with the spawn of Satan, Alois Hitler married his foster daughter, Klara Poezl.
She was a Bavarian who was 23-years younger than Hitler's dad. The Hitlers' first two children died shortly after infancy. Then the stork dropped Adolf Hitler in Braunau-am-in, Austria. Young Adolf had an even younger brother that died when he was six. Later on, another daughter was born to the Hitler clan. Amazingly, she didn't die young and ended up outliving Adolf, spending most of her later years mumbling her last name when introduced to strangers.
Hitler's father wanted Adolf to study for a government position.Hitler didn't want to sit in a cubicle the rest of his life and work for the man. He wanted to become to paint with water colors and listen to Richard Wagner and be emo. Because of this, Hitler's father died of embarassment when he was only 13.
Above Left: Adolf Hitler in his Emo phase. Above Right: One of Hitler's paintings.
Contrary to what you've heard from people who want you to find them interesting, Hitler was a bit of a dipshit. He sucked at high school, dropping out at the age of 15 and moving to Vienna, Austria. Hitler was denied entrance to the Academy of Fine Arts. In 1907 Hitler's mother died and he decided to remain in Vienna. He again tried to gain entrance to the Academy of Fine Arts and failed the entrance exam again. One of the reasons he was given is that he only drew pictures of landscapes. He never drew people in his pictures. This was creepy to people at the Art School (foreshadowing). Hitler had no steady income and lived in cheap housing and often slept on park benches. Many of his meals came from charity kitchens. Hitler was a homeless bohemian.

World War I and after.

In 1914, Hitler volunteered for the Bavarian Army in World War I but only rose to the rank of corporal. His superior officers thought he lacked leadership qualities like intelligence and sanity. Unfortunately for history, Hitler was blessed with the two "dumb virtues:" Self confidence and courage. He was recommended for two medals for bravery in the war, one by a Jewish officer.
The Versailles Treaty ended the war and blamed Germany for pretty much everything. Germany was stripped of much of its territory, forced to disarm and was also forced to pay reparations leaving millions unemployed.
In 1920, Hitler joined the Nationalist Socialist German Workers Party who called themselves Nazis. By 1921, Hitler's had become President of his club (Der Fuhrer) thanks to his powerful speaking ability (post WWI German for "spits a lot when he talks"). Hitler organized an army for the Nazi party called the Storm Troopers who were called upon to fight groups seeking to disband the Nazi rallies and also to fight the peace loving Jedi.
Stormtrooper Death Rally then and now.

Because he was a dim bulb motivated by a limitless engine of fury, Hitler tried to take power before he had the guns to do it, and got thrown in jail. For the same reason, while in prison he wrote Mein Kampf (My Struggle) which rambled on and on about hating Jews and Communists. The book didn't make much sense.
When Hitler got out of the slammer eight months later (five-year sentence originally), he rebuilt the Nazi party. Using Germany's bottomless appetite for conspiracy theories, he attracted millions of voters.
Once he was in power, all dissenters were neutralized in whatever way necessary, and he ramped up manufacturing of military weapons which helped arm Germany and wipe out unemployment.
So to recap: Hitler wasn't an evil genius who forced his way to the top using trickery and the foresight of a chess master. He was a high school dropout who just happened to be angry enough to take advantage of a nation desperate for a pleasant conspiracy theory to believe.

World War II

Hitler invaded a bunch of countries, killed millions of people based on race, got attacked back, realized he was going to lose the war and then committed suicide like a coward.

The End.