Since the dawn of time, Man has worked tirelessly to pay homage to his boner by metaphorically boning the sky, the earth and even the moon.

Just The Facts

  1. At the most inopportune moments can lead to social exclusion.
  2. At the most opportune moments can lead to social exclusion.
  3. You will face social exclusion.

Cracked on boners

A boner is an integral part of a male's anatomy with its own functions, uses and thoughts.

The boner will make the male aware of its presence during the early stages of puberty. From this point onwards, it will be a strong influence in all the male's decisions. "How do I grow a tash?", "How do I learn the guitar?", "How do I spend my time while I'm on the internet?" all of which are dictated by the boner.

Boners aren't difficult to conjure (depending on who you are), the boner can arise from:

  • Being stuck in traffic,
  • Talking on the phone,
  • Reading a magazine,
  • Being at work,
  • Playing on the xbox,
  • Waking up,
  • Standing,
  • Sitting,
  • .................oh, Arousal

However, the boner can be ill timed so there are a number of techniques to rid it. If you are faced with a boner at this very moment, view the links below to help ease the situation. Otherwise here are a few tips to help:

How to get rid of a boner.


Masturbation is regularly used by many people and can effectively remove your boner. One of the good things about masturbation is that it can be done anywhere e.g. the park, the local school yard, the ice rink... (Although if you have done or are planning to do this then you are probably this guy.)

For more information about pulling at your johnson, check out the cracked article on masturbation.

Inflicting pain upon your self

Odd indeed but pointlessly hurting yourself can also be an effective way of removing the boner (for the love of god, do not literally remove the boner). The pain should distract your mind away from your flag pole and focus more upon the "Oh god why is there so much blood!".

Just don't go this far

Warning this should only be used if you desperately need to dismantle the tent, like if you're at a funeral, at a school recital or watching Oprah.


Ever noticed after a heavy spout of running or indeed most exercise that your tiny self has shrunk enormously? Strange it may be, but the process of running focuses the blood circulation elsewhere instead of your dick. Thus, causing it to become smaller than how you felt the first time you were rejected by someone you loved.

What actually happened

What it felt like

This means that it shouldn't be possible to beat your monkey while beating the stopwatch. Although, if you're aware of someone who would intend to debunk this idea and you hear rushed footsteps going back and forth in their bedroom, don't go in...but if you do go in, take a camera.

Granted that none of these ideas are practical per-se. Most situations where an awkward erection would arise, simultaneously running, jerking off and self harming would indeed ease it, but it would also make you look fucking mental.