In the unexplored abyssal depths of the ocean are creatures more diverse and beautiful than any on the planet...and then there are the fifty foot disembodied penis-shaped monsters with crushing beaks and razor-lined tentacles.

Just The Facts

  1. Dosidicus gigas: The Good (uh...comparatively).
  2. Architeuthis dux: The Bad.
  3. Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni: The holy-shit-my-eyeballs-just-went-crazy-what-the-fuck-am-I-looking-at!

Dosidicus gigas: The Jumbo (a.k.a., Humboldt) Squid

Dosidicus gigas, or the Humboldt squid, is fairly large for a cephalopod -- it tends to be around two meters (approximately six or seven feet) in length, although some dubious sources claim that it can grow MUCH larger. It lives in the deep waters in the Sea of Cortez, but surfaces at night to terrorize and devour the local fisherman, presumably for shits and giggles.

Like all squid, these beasts have eight arms with suckers -- it's just that the Humboldt's suckers are lined with thousands of sharp, saw-like teeth. It also has the two longer tentacles, disproportionately large eyes, and beak common of other squid. According to one squid expert, "their knife-edged beak can gouge out a softball-sized chunk of flesh every three seconds." According to one Sea of Cortez fisherman, "fuck that shit! I'm selling Chiclets on the highway."

They also look like flayed dongs.

The Humboldt squid can also flash several times per second when they get excited.

Because hey, if you absolutely have to be ripped to shreds by hordes of teeth-lined tentacles, it may as well look like a murderous underwater rave. At least the guys topside will get a nice show while they're filling out their resignations (and underwear).

Architeuthis dux: The Giant Squid

Architeuthis dux, better known as the giant squid, is commonly believed to be the originator of the Kraken mythos.

For centuries, people who claimed to have seen these creatures were dismissed as storytellers, liars, or drunks...until a Japanese scientist snapped these extraordinary photographs of a giant squid nearly 3000 feet below the surface of the northern Pacific Ocean on September, 2004. Before that, no living giant squid had ever been captured on film.

To the casual observer, the Giant Squid (Architeuthis dux) is just like any other squid, except, well, giant: They have been confirmed to grow to at least 13 meters (approximately 42 feet), and have the same wicked beak, eight powerful arms and two extended tentacles of other squid. And, like the Humboldt, they're all lined with the same razor-sharp teeth...just bigger.

Why does nobody tell you about the thousands of fucking teeth?!

In order to add buoyancy, their bodies possess a disproportionate amount of ammonia--you know, the poisonous chemical - so in addition to everything else, they're also inedible. So even if you do manage to take out a Giant Squid in a dramatic fistfight in the heart of a typhoon, it'll still kill you when you attempt to feast on its heart (to gain its power, duh).

Oh, and lest we forget the eyes: THE EYES.


The largest documented specimen of Giant Squid was 13 meters--42 feet!--in length. That's like a four story tall building, but instead of passive cement, there are whipping barbed tentacles, instead of a parking lot there's a murderous crushing beak, and instead of windows -- the eeeyeeees.

Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni: The Colossal Squid

But there's still another abyssal horror down there that, in the words of one of the world's leading giant cephalopod experts, Dr. Steve O'Shea is ". . . not just larger but an order of magnitude meaner."

The Colossal Squid:

Okay, now nature's just fuckin' with you.

Although scientists have been aware of these beasts since 1925 (primarily from remnants disgorged from the stomachs of sperm whales), it was only in the past few years that these creatures have been seen in the living flesh. In fact, an intact, mature specimen was not collected until 2007.

But don't worry, the colossal squid doesn't have the same scary shit as the Humboldt or Giant Squids - there are no teeth on its suction cups. Nope: It's got hooks inside them, with which it literally rips its prey to shreds.

Mesonychoteuthis has all eternity to know your flesh!