Women: Brilliant, beautiful, important members of society who are drastically overshadowed by the existence of boobies.
Just The Facts
- God made woman out of one of Adam's ribs.
- Women are glorified ribs.
- Ribs are delicious.
- Delicious things are meant to be eaten.
- Women should be eaten.
- Don't look at us like that; that's sound logic.
Cracked on Women
We love women. Women are the greatest thing to have happened to a man's penis since the invention of the hand. Oh, also they've accomplished some amazing things throughout history - but obviously the penis stuff is more important.
Maybe that's unfair, let's perform a little test. Pay close attention to the next two following sections:
Great Achievements Throughout History:
We don't want to bias the test any, so let's make all the great accomplishments adhere to the four great "F's" that dictate men's attention spans:
Prehistory - Women invent weapons.
Anthropologists from Iowa State University observing the survival techniques of West African chimpanzees believe that the entire concept of 'weapons' was likely invented by females, who developed the tools to make up for their lack of physical strength. Spurred by the need to keep their food intake competitive with males, female chimps have been commonly seen to chew the ends of sticks until sharp, which they then use as rudimentary spears for hunting. Almost all weapon use observed has been by females alone. Swordfights, gunplay, giant bombs and laser beams all started somewhere, and that 'somewhere' was women. If it was up to men, the peak of military technology would still be the headlock. Think about how lame that world would be: All wars would just be thousand-strong legions of men choking each other out and...actually, that's still pretty awesome.
1904 - Margaret Knight invented the modern Rotary engine.
The precursor to the conventional piston engine, the Rotary Engine was largely responsible for the boom in many vehicular industries. And though she didn't invent the concept, she did refine the one present in the first fighter planes, motorcycles, and automobiles - meaning that Top Gun, Easy Rider and The Dukes of Hazard are all here because of a woman. A woman who is likely now asking you to change the channel from those things or at least put some pants on and for God's sakes use a plate you're getting Hot Pocket cheese all over the dog.
1917 - El Dorado Jones invents the engine muffler.
Okay, so nothing's really "manly" about the muffler, but seriously: A lady named El Dorado Jones invented it. Presumably right before she cracked a pimp across the jaw with her bullwhip.
1929 - Katherine Davis was the first person to conduct a national survey of American sexual attitudes.
That's right: The first American to actually stop and ask the entire country "wait...do you guys like fuckin'?" was a woman. Obviously, the answer was yes, and the sexual revolution began. Hey, if nobody had actually asked, imagine where you'd be? Desperate, alone, and porn-less - living in constant fear that somebody will discover your sick "sex fetish."
F...power tools! (Shit.)
1812 - Tabitha Babbitt invents the circular saw.
Thereby touching off several centuries of cliched jokes about men and power tools. Seriously, without the circular saw - the archetypal device in all those hackneyed "men love tools" jokes - where would the world be? We wouldn't have the comedic stylings of Tim Allen, for one!
YOU FUCKING BITCH.
The Penis Stuff:
Now we'll conduct a short quiz about the content of this article, and see which section has higher information retention: The penis stuff, or the greatest historical contributions of woman-kind.
Question 1: Are you even reading this, or are you still staring at boobies?
Question 2: Were...were there even words in this article?
Question 3: H...hello? Anybody?