Oral sex is a lot like regular sex: You probably don't get enough of it, it's not like it is in the movies and it's over too fast.

Just The Facts

  1. Oral Sex is like playing spades; if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
  2. It's also like being in the Army; the closer you get to discharge, the better you will feel.
  3. Applebee's is known to be a frequent hangout for Cougars - read whatever you want into that.

Cracked on Oral Sex

There's an old joke about a guy named Dinsdale who walks into a bar, buys four shots and announces "I'm celebrating my first blowjob". Everyone congratulates him and offers to buy him a drink.

"No" the dude replies. "If four won't kill the taste, then to hell with it".

For anyone who has never given a blow job before, the joke is funny because the guy apparently didn't like the taste of rainbow sherbert. That's what blowjobs taste like ladies; Rainbow Sherbert.. Anyone who tells you differently is lying, probably trying to keep you from finding out how great they are in order to keep all the rainbow for themselves. It also clears up your complexion and reduces body fat. You girls remember that.

Practice makes Perfect

There are certain things you don't want to hear while you're performing oral sex:

  • That's my knee
  • You really should get that dandruff checked out
  • Have you ever done this before?
  • Blue. I think we need to paint this room blue.
  • It's not a Pie Eating Contest you idiot

To make sure this doesn't happen to you some tips!

Practice! Athletes practice their sport. Actors practice their lines. Doctors practice medicine. If you want to be good Practice! Practice! Practice!. If you don't have a partner around to practice with you may find it helpful to substitute objects you have around the house:

Yes, the banana makes a fine substitute for a man and it's also a great source of potassium. Did you know that a diet high in potassium can lower blood pressure and reduce the risk of stroke?

Performing Oral Sex on a Woman

After consulting several real females, we asked them what specific advice they wanted us to pass along.

"Tell them they need to find the little man in the canoe" was the response that had all two women we surveyed nodding their heads in approval. We had no idea what that means, but we didn't want to blow the cool "I'm doing a sex survey" vibe we had going.

OK - we found him. Now what?

We tried to decipher the hidden meaning of this cryptic message for 5 minutes before conclusing that it must just be "that time of the month" (the one that causes females to babble insane gibberish). As for suitable practice fields you might find in the kitchen, our female focus group was only willing to confirm which activities would not prepare you:

Of course, we have advice to the contrary. Take for example West Coast Chopper's very own Jesse James -

Keep in mind that he's a mechanic and married to Sandra Bullock. If there's one thing that we can say for sure about Bullock based on this random photograph we found on the internet, she prefers a partner who knows his way around the old canoe:

Jesse's mad pie eating skills beat out a lot of totally geared up suitors

Oral Sex in Popular Culture

Since you can't just show actual Oral Sex on TV (except Cinemax) sneaky marketing types are now putting subliminal messages into programs and advertisements in order to boost sales and ratings.

For instance, short of having a match featuring all of Tiger Wood's bimbos, how do you boost ratings for women's golf? Here's one way:

The LPGA Glass Dick Trophy and customary "licking of the shaft" ceremony by the winner

Then Belvedere Vodka rolled out it's new advertising campaign; "Buy her 6 shots of our overpriced swill and then she'll make your crotch look like the Joker"

Or you could always hope for the free advertising that comes with putting your mascot in an easy to blow position, a temptation that people with cameras are often unable to resist.

Damn dude - maybe you should have just got the value meal instead

Something else the world needs less of than fast food; carbonated beverages, have also jumped on the bandwagon as evidenced by this (sadly fake) commercial for Sprite: